


One Step at a Time

by TwistedRocketPower



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: Angst, Drama, Fluff, Hurt/Comfort, Injury, M/M, Major Character Injury, Paralysis
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-05-09
Updated: 2017-05-27
Packaged: 2018-10-30 01:17:24
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 10
Words: 35,871
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10866030
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TwistedRocketPower/pseuds/TwistedRocketPower
Summary: It’s amazing, the things we take for granted. When Dan is seriously injured while out running errands, both he and Phil must learn to adjust to a new life. One night changed their lives forever, and they have to learn how to handle it one step at a time.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> All information is from research and life experiences. If anything is inaccurate, I apologize. 
> 
> Also, I'm not British, so there is potential for spelling errors and word differences when I forget to catch them.
> 
> Otherwise, I hope you enjoy!

“‘Where is Dan?’ That’s a good question, Jessica. Dan went to the store some time ago to buy cereal- my fault, oops- but he should’ve been back by now! Let’s give him a ring, shall we?”

Phil picked up his phone and clicked on Dan’s name, putting the phone on speaker as it rang. Dan knew Phil would be doing a live show tonight, so there was no risk of him saying or doing anything that would potentially “out” them.

“Answer me, Dan!” Phil said, making a silly face to the camera. He was trying to make light of the situation, but on the inside he was starting to worry. Dan should’ve been home a half hour ago.

“Oh well,” Phil said, pressing the red button to end the call. “We’ll just have to try again later.”

“‘He probably ran away from you and your cereal stealing habits,’” Phil read off the screen, laughing lightly. “Probably, Amy. He did roll his eyes quite high when I informed him that I ate the last of it earlier today.”

 

Phil continued on with his show for another ten minutes, answering some light questions and discussing how they got rid of all the empty boxes once they were finished unpacking. “You couldn’t take one step without walking on a box. Dan just wanted to toss them off our balcony, but thankfully I stopped him! We were able to get someone to come pick them all up and take them to be recycled. I think our house is finally box free though, which is a miracle.”

Phil was freaking out a little bit on the inside, but didn’t want to cause alarm to anyone else. He was waiting for someone to ask about Dan again in the chat so he’d have an excuse to call him.

Thankfully, someone named “Evelyn” finally asked if Dan had returned yet.

“Evelyn, Dan isn’t here. I was hoping he’d be able to join me for a couple minutes, because we leave soon and he won’t be able to do a live show next week. Let me try calling again. Maybe he can grace us with his presence through phone.”

Phil picked up his phone again and pressed on Dan’s name, placing the phone on speaker and waiting. And waiting. And waiting.

“He’s the worst at answering his phone! You’d think I was trying to pull a tooth or something.” 

Phil hung up the phone as the answering machine began to pick up. He ignored all the comments, most of which were:

_ He’s probably out buying a ring!! _

Or

_ I bet he’d like your hand in his mouth though! ;) _

Phil couldn’t even find the humor in the slightly-creepy, very invasive comments. “Anyway, what were we talking about before?” He asked, even though he knew exactly what they had been talking about before. He didn’t care about it either. He didn’t want to talk about boxes, or moving, or future dogs, or anything really. He wanted to leave the house and go look for Dan and tell him off for not answering his phone. 

But, he couldn’t. He couldn’t react that way when he was in front of an audience. 

“Oh yeah, so, the boxes are gone, like I said before, and I hope I never have to see another one again. At least not for a-” He paused as his phone started to vibrate. “Oh, it’s Dan!” He said, a little more cheerfully than he probably should have. He didn’t care though. He put the phone on speaker as he answered. 

“Daniel, why have you not returned with the cereal? The world is very concerned that you abandoned me in favor of your cinnamons.”

“Um, excuse me?” A man said over the phone. The voice was much deeper than Dan’s. “Is this a Phil Lester?”

“Oh,” Phil responded, slightly shocked. “Yes, it is. Um, I’m sorry, who is this?” Phil should’ve taken the phone off of speaker right away, but he completely forgot about the live show when another man started speaking. “Did my friend lose his phone?”

“No, Sir, he didn’t. I’m Officer Smith with the Metropolitan Police-”

Suddenly remembering he was broadcasting to thousands of people, Phil took the phone off speaker. He held it up to his ear. 

The officer was rattling off information. A lot of which was going in one ear and out the other. Phil stared straight ahead, trying to process the things he could. He would only respond with “Mhm” or “Okay.” 

Basically, what he heard from the officer was something similar to, “There was an accident… Pretty bad… Transported to the hospital… I was in contact with the… You were listed as… Then I saw you tried calling on… So I just called.”

Phil took a second to let the information digest. He tried to steady his breath so he wouldn’t alarm anyone still watching him. “Where do I go?”

“Royal London Hospital.”

“Thank you.”

Phil hung up the phone and stared at his computer screen. It was blowing up with hundreds of questions. Phil didn’t care about those questions.

“Well, it looks like I’ll have to cut this short. Don’t worry guys, just a little mix up with everything. No, Dan hasn’t been arrested. I’ll talk to you later.” 

He ended the live show abruptly, not bothering to smile as he closed his laptop down. With shaky legs he stood up, grabbed his phone, charger, wallet, and keys, then headed out the door.

  
  


Phil walked for about a mile before he realized that it would be much quicker to just get a taxi to take him to the hospital. He didn’t know what he was thinking.

Well, he hadn’t really been thinking at all. Up to this point, he was just on autopilot. 

He looked around, knowing a taxi had to be nearby. They were always nearby. Sure enough, one was about to pass him.

Phil held out his hand, making the taxi driver come to an abrupt stop.

“Almost didn’t see you there,” The man said as Phil stepped into the car.

“I need to go to the hospital, please,” Phil responded, his voice quiet.

“What hospital?”

“Royal London,” Phil replied. He didn’t even take the time to feel dumb for not stating the hospital in the first place.

As the driver headed to the hospital, Phil’s phone began to buzz. He looked down and saw he was getting another call, which he answered quickly. “Hello, this is Phil.”

“Phil, this is Sherry. I work at Royal London Hospital. I am calling to inform you about-”

“Dan,” Phil interrupted. He didn’t mean to interrupt, he knew it was rude to do so, but it also seemed rude to make her repeat everything the police officer had said.

“Yes. Did you already receive a call?”

“Yes, from Officer Smith.”

“Oh, yes, I see it’s written down here that he called.”

“Yes, I’m on my way now.”

“Alright, Phil. Come to the front desk at A&E when you arrive, alright?”

“Yes, okay.”

“Thank you, Phil.”

Phil hung up and looked down at his phone, where he saw ten new text messages waiting for him. Now eleven. Now twelve. Now-

He silenced his phone and put it in his pocket. He couldn’t answer questions right now. He’d have no answers to give. He knew all the messages had to be from his and Dan’s YouTube friends. People who would see the tweets their fans were writing. People who may have been watching the live show themselves.

He just couldn’t deal with that right now. Not until he knew what to say. 

Not until his hands stopped shaking.

_ When did they start shaking, _ he thought, looking down at them. He wouldn’t have been able to type out a text no matter how hard he tried.

He placed his hands down flat on his thighs and tried to calm himself by closing his eyes and taking deep breaths. 

It didn’t work.

 

“Okay, we’re here,” The driver said. He sounded too chipper. But, right now, everyone’s voice sounded too chipper. He could be listening to a eulogy and that person would sound too chipper.

Phil paid the driver and got out of the car, slamming the door a little too loudly behind him.

He didn’t have time to worry about being polite right now though. 

He walked up to the A&E entrance and went inside, heading straight for the front desk.

“I’m Phil,” He said, his voice as shaky as his hands.

“O- Okay,” the nurse behind the desk replied, looking confused. “How may I help you, Phil?”

“Oh. Oh, I- uh- I got a call about a Dan Howell.”

The nurse seemed to recognize the name right away. Her eyes widened slightly for a second, then she nodded and picked up a clipboard. “If you could fill this out for us, the doctor will be out to speak with you as soon as he can. I’ll also need your identification to match to his next-of-kin form.”

“But is he okay? Can I see him? I didn’t hear everything over the phone. What happened?”

She looked sympathetic. Too sympathetic. “Dear, you can’t see him right now. The police just left a few minutes ago, so you’ll have to wait for the doctor to come out and give you any information. I promise that once this is filled out and I verify your identification, you will be informed of Mr. Howell’s condition.”

With a single nod, Phil got out his identification and handed it to the nurse, then took the clipboard and sat down. 

His hands were still shaking, but he knew he needed to fill out all of Dan’s information. It wouldn’t be difficult, they’d both done this for each other before. They were both clumsy people who injured themselves fairly often. They also got sick from time to time, and let the illness go on a little too long, then ended up in A&E because they held off on going to a doctor.

Needless to say, Phil probably knew Dan’s medical information better than he knew his four times table.

He managed to steady his hand enough to fill out the papers, although the writing was a bit messy. It would have to do though. It was the best they were gonna get until he knew Dan would be okay.

He walked back up to the desk and handed the nurse the clipboard, and she handed him back his identification.

“I’ve told the doctor you’re here. He’ll be out in just a moment.”

Phil nodded, muttering out a, “Thank you,” before sitting back down.

 

While Phil waited for the doctor, he pulled out his phone. He had over thirty messages now, from about twenty different people. He chose to text Louise, knowing she’d be able to relay the message to everyone else.

‘ _ I don’t know anything,’ _ he wrote,  _ ‘Waiting for doctor in A&E. I have a lot of messages from people. Tell everyone please.’ _

She’d know who “everyone” was and, sure enough, within seconds, she responded.  _ ‘Done. Update when you can.’ _

Phil put his phone back into his pocket and focused his eyes on his right leg, which was bouncing up and down. That movement was the only thing keeping him calm enough to not throw up everywhere. He honestly felt as though he would vomit all over the floor if he stopped his leg from moving. 

Two minutes passed, although it felt like hours, before a man in a white coat walked into the room. Phil didn’t want to assume the man was there for him, but it didn’t stop him from sitting up a little straighter. 

The doctor spoke to the nurse at the front desk, who pointed at Phil. The doctor nodded then began walking over to Phil.

Phil’s heart was racing. It was beating faster than it ever had before, and, God, he wished they were in their gaming room and Dan was feeling his chest like he always did. 

“Mr. Lester?” The doctor asked as he neared Phil.

“Yes,” Phil replied, standing, “I’m Phil.”

“Hello, Phil, I’m Dr. Taylor,” He introduced, shaking Phil’s hand. Once they had let go, he motioned back to the chairs. “Let’s have a seat.”

Phil sat back down, his leg resuming its shaking. 

“Phil, Mr. Howell-”

“Just Dan is fine,” Phil interrupted. It’s not like that mattered right now, but for some reason it did to him.

“Okay, Dan was struck by a vehicle this evening. From what I was briefly informed, it was a hit and run. He’s got some external bruising, which doesn’t seem to be too severe. It’ll look pretty bad, but it’ll heal. He also has a minor sprain in his wrist.”

_ That doesn’t sound too bad,  _ Phil thought, taking a deep breath and nodding. However, the doctor wasn’t done. Unfortunately, he was just taking a breath himself before he continued.

“The most severe injury is to his spinal cord. He’s being prepped for surgery right now. Some doctors prefer to wait for surgery, but I think it would be more beneficial to take him in immediately in this case.”

Phil could hear his heart beating in his ears. “Wh- What does that mean? Will he be okay?”

“He’s stable right now. He hasn’t been fully conscious since the accident, but he did wake up for a brief moment on the way here. Apparently he panicked a bit, so a sedative was administered to keep him as still as possible.”

“But, a spinal cord injury. Th- That’s bad, isn’t it?”

_ Please say no, please say no. _

“It depends, really. Sometimes everything turns out okay during surgery. Sometimes it doesn’t.”

“And if it doesn’t?” Phil asked, feeling a little annoyed at the lack of information he seemed to be getting.

“There is a chance he could be paralyzed. The severity of that, I can’t know until after he wakes up from surgery.” The doctor looked at his watch and stood up. “I need to get into surgery now. Will you be here when he’s out?”

“Yes, of course.”

“Okay, I will come and speak with you when the surgery is over. Do you have anymore questions?”

_ Yes, about two thousand. _

“No,” Phil replied, suddenly feeling exhausted. 

Phil slumped down in his chair a bit, letting himself think of every possible bad thing that could happen, for the next two minutes. Then, he rubbed his eyes and let out a big sigh, and picked up his phone. 

He needed to call Dan’s mum. It was the only logical next step. He probably should have called already, but he wanted to be able to give her some information instead of just answering everything with “I don’t know.”  
  


 

The phone call felt overwhelming. Dan’s mum was usually so calm and reserved in stressful situations, but Phil could hear the panic in her voice. 

She told Phil she’d be there as soon as possible, but it may take some time.

With a promise to keep her updated anytime he found something out, they hung up.  
  


 

Phil felt alone. So, completely, alone. He hadn’t felt this way since… Well, since he met Dan. Dan had become a permanent fixture in his life. Everywhere they went, they went together. They never went a day without seeing each other. Even when Phil went to visit his family, or Dan went to visit his, they would Skype each other before bed. 

They were close during the regular times, but somehow even closer during the tough times. Family dramas, sickness, injuries, and problems with their chosen career path always made them stick even closer to one another. They needed each other for support.

Phil felt like he had lost his support system. If he didn’t feel so nauseous, he probably would have laughed at the fact that he wanted Dan there to help him cope with the fact Dan was hurt.

He pressed the button for his phone to unlock and rang his mum without another thought.

“Child,” She answered, her voice soft and kind. It soothed Phil immediately.

“Hi, Mum,” He replied. And, just like all moms can, she could tell something was wrong right away.

“What is it, Dear? Has something happened?

Phil stood up and walked outside the hospital, needing to be away from all the other people and noises right now. 

“Yes, um, Dan is- Dan got hurt,” He said, sitting down at a bench near the A&E entrance. 

“Oh no, what happened? Is he alright?”

“He’s in surgery and… He got hit by a car. They just hit him and drove away and the doctor said something is wrong with his spine. He might be paralyzed, Mum! He was just going to get cereal cause I ate it all and he was supposed to be right back but he-”

“Philip, please slow down. I need you to remain calm, okay? Take a deep breath, Dear.”

Phil did as he was told, leaning back against the bench and taking a couple of slow, deep breaths. “Okay, okay, I’m sorry.”

“Don’t be sorry. Would you like me to come there?”

“No. No, um, Dan’s mum will be here sometime tomorrow probably.”

“Okay, that’s good. Will you be alright until then?”

“Yeah, I- I think so.”

“Please don’t blame yourself, Dear, because I know that’s what you are doing. Focus only on the next task.”

“What’s that?”

“You wait until Dan gets out of surgery. That’s all you have to do right now, alright?”

“But-”

“No. No buts. One task at a time, alright?”

Phil nodded before verbally responding. “Alright. Thank you, Mum.”

“You’re welcome, Child. Love you. Keep me updated.”

“I will. Love you too.”   
  


 

Waiting. All he had to do was wait. This was not as easy as it seemed. The nurses weren’t exactly sure where Dan would be moved after surgery, so Phil was forced to wait in the A&E waiting room until further notice. 

Phil watched as people shuffled in. Children with stomachaches, a teenager with a broken bone, a few adults with problems Phil couldn’t figure out, and one particularly bad case where a man had been stabbed in his arm. The knife was still sticking out of the man’s arm, and Phil found himself both not wanting to see it and not being able to look away.  
  


 

At midnight, a nurse or assistant or someone with scrubs -Phil really didn’t care to figure it out- walked up to him. “Would you like some water?” She asked, making him jump. His thoughts had drifted off a while ago and he had been staring at a wall since then. “Sorry, I didn’t mean to scare you.”

“No, no it’s okay.” He held out his hand and took the water. “Thank you.”

“You’ve been sitting here for a few hours, I figured you must be thirsty.”

He took a sip of water and nodded. “Yes, thank you. I just didn’t want to leave in case the doctor returned.”

“Who are you waiting on?”

“Daniel Howell.”

The woman nodded. “I can go check on his status if you’d like?”

Phil’s eyes widened as he looked up at the woman. Why hadn’t he thought to ask about that before? “Yes, please!”

The woman nodded and walked over to the front desk area, Phil getting up and following behind.

“Daniel Howell, you said?”

“Yes.”

“Okay, one moment.” She typed in his name and looked over the screen. “He is still in surgery. Unfortunately, that’s all the information I have right now, but that’s usually a good sign.”

Phil nodded, wishing there were more. “Thank you,” He said before turning around and heading back to his chair.  
  


 

He promised himself that he wouldn’t go up to the front desk every ten minutes and ask for an update. He promised himself he’d wait an hour.

Forty five minutes was close enough.

No change.

  
  


It was two o’clock in the morning, and Phil really needed to pee. Like, he was about to burst. He hadn’t gone to the bathroom since before the live show, so about eight hours ago. And while he hadn’t drank very much at the hospital, he did have a lot of coffee throughout the day. 

The last thing he wanted to do, however, was leave at the wrong moment. Sure, he could ask for an update and run to the bathroom, but what if another update appeared while he was gone? What if the system hadn’t updated and the doctor came out to talk to him and he wasn’t there?

Phil shifted in his seat to try and remove the pressure from his bladder.

 

This worked for five minutes.

He couldn’t hold it.

He asked for another update on Dan, informed the woman he would be using the restroom, then took the quickest bathroom trip he had ever taken. He returned to his seat in under two minutes, which had to be some sort of record overall. He reminded himself to inform Dan of his speed-peeing skills when he got to see him.

Cause he would get to see him.

He would.

He  _ would. _

  
  


At three o’clock he texted Dan’s mum, informing her that the surgery was still ongoing. She texted him back a quick  _ ‘thank you’  _ then informed him the soonest she’d be able to arrive would be tomorrow evening.

He went to text his mum, but figured she’d be asleep, so he decided against it.

He still had plenty of unread texts, and new ones coming in from people in other time zones. People who had been asleep until this point. 

He didn’t read them.

  
  


He expected sleep to happen eventually. He figured he’d become so exhausted that he just couldn’t keep his eyes open anymore, but he didn’t.

Each hour that passed by seemed to make him more alert. 

Phil hadn’t hardly messed with his phone at all. He tried opening apps a few times to play games and get his mind off of things, but for some reason that made him more nervous. 

He clicked on his phone just to check the time and it was now just past four o’clock. 

_ Why is this taking so long? _

Phil leaned over, placing his elbows on his legs and his head in his hands. His eyes were beginning to sting. Not from exhaustion, but from wearing his contacts too long.

“Phil?” A familiar voice said. Phil looked up to Dr. Taylor standing in front of him.

“Yes!” Phil said, beginning to stand. The doctor motioned for him to sit and took a seat beside him.

“The surgery went well, it just took longer than expected. There were a few issues with…”

The doctor continued spouting off information that barely made any sense to Phil. He had no idea what most of these words meant, and the longer the doctor talked, the more irritated Phil became.

“What does all that mean?” Phil asked once Dr. Taylor had finally finished.

“Well, nothing is certain until he wakes up, but he’s still at risk for paralysis, total or partial.”

“Like…” God, Phil didn’t want to say it, but he had to know. “Like, his whole body, or-”

“No, it would be somewhere from the waist down. But, there is also a possibility that he will fully recover. When he wakes up, we’ll be able to ask him to move around a little and that’s when we’ll know more.”

“Can I see him?” Phil asked.

“He’s not in a room yet, so you’ll have to wait a while. Plus, visiting hours don’t start until eight. I’m sure you’ll be able to see him before he wakes up, however, so you’ll just have to be patient with us until then.”

Phil nodded. The staff at this hospital had been nothing but kind to him up to this point, so he felt no need to demand more information or demand to see Dan immediately. He didn’t think that would help matters anyway. 

“How long does recovery take?” Phil asked.

“That also depends on what happens when he wakes up. If he’s got full body control, less than a week. If not, three to five weeks.”

“Okay,” Phil nodded, processing everything. “Okay, thank you.”

“Not a problem,” Dr. Taylor replied, holding out his hand for Phil to shake. “If you have anymore questions, just let anyone here know.”

  
  


The next four hours went by in a bit of a blur for Phil. He called Dan’s mum and gave her an update. Her voice sounded shaky, which made Phil upset. 

He also texted Louise again, just giving her a few bullet points on what had happened, with strict orders to keep it to herself. He also told her that he was still getting texts from other Youtubers, so please let them all know that Dan had to have surgery but don’t say anything else for now.

He texted his mum as the sun began to rise, telling her everything he knew. He was surprised when she texted back immediately.  _ ‘Been worried, Dear. Thank you for updating. Remember, one step at a time. Next step: seeing Dan in recovery. Love you.’ _

Phil had never felt so grateful for his mum.

  
  


At six forty-five Phil was informed that Dan had been moved to a room and Phil would be able to see him as soon as visiting hours began.

The next hour and fifteen minutes couldn’t pass quickly enough.

 

At eight o’clock sharp, Phil was entering the main entrance of the hospital and signing in to see Dan.

“Room seven thirty-six,” The man behind the desk said, “Elevators are straight down and to the right.”

Phil nodded and quickly made his way to the elevators. He was nervous, but excited too. If he was getting to see Dan, it meant that Dan was doing okay. That’s a good thing. 

_ It’s going to be okay. _

_ One step at a time. _

By the time he stepped off the elevator and onto the seventh floor, his nervous excitement had turned to fear and dread.

_ What if he’s not okay at all? _

_ What if this is the last time I get to see him? _

_ What if he doesn’t wake up? _

_ One step at a time. _

 

Phil stood outside room seven thirty-six and took a deep breath. He placed his hand on the handle and gently pushed the door open, as though he were trying not to wake a sleeping child.

To his right, he could see the foot of the bed first. Dan’s legs covered by blankets. A twinge of fear hit him again as he walked around the corner and got the full view of Dan.

His face was pretty bruised, with scratches on his cheeks, forehead, and neck. His arms, which were laid at his side, outside of the blanket, were scratched up too. His right wrist had a bandage around it for the sprain. Phil couldn’t see above the middle of Dan’s upper arm, but it looked like bruises made their way up to his shoulders.

There were IV’s and other equipment all around but, otherwise, it looked like Dan was just sleeping.

Technically, he was just sleeping, but he looked peaceful. He didn’t appear to be in pain, which made Phil relax a little bit.

“You can pull a chair up and sit by him,” A woman said as she walked into the room. She was a bigger woman, with a big smile on her face. Her dark brown hair was pulled back in a tight bun and her green eyes shined brightly in the dull room. “I’ll be Dan’s nurse today. I’m Eva,” She said, coming over to Phil and shaking his hand.

“I’m Phil.”

Eva nodded, then walked over to the other side of Dan’s bed, checking all the monitors. “So, Phil, are you a relative of Dan’s?”

“No, I’m- We’re… We’re friends,” Phil said, knowing he fumbled too much for that to sound true. They didn’t tell anyone they were more than friends. That was a part of them they could keep for themselves, and they didn’t risk anyone finding out.

She nodded, pretending to believe him. “Oh, okay. You’re listed as next of kin, so I wasn’t sure.”

“How is he?” Phil asked, putting his hands into his pockets. He looked from the nurse down to Dan, then back up to the nurse.

“He’s okay right now. Stable. He’s breathing on his own, which is a good thing. He’s just worn out. He had a sedative last night and then went right into surgery. He might be out for a few more hours.”

She replaced one of Dan’s IV bags with a new one and looked over some paperwork that was on her portable workstation. 

Phil didn’t know how to fill the silence, so he just stared down at Dan. Hoping for him to wake up soon. Hoping for him to be okay.

“You can touch him,” Eva said, bringing Phil out of his trance. 

He looked up at her, “Hm?” 

“You can sit by him and hold his hand, if you want. It might help him... and you.”

“Oh,” Phil nodded. He wanted to feel embarrassed, but he truly just felt relieved. “Okay, thank you.”

“No problem. I’ll be back in a little bit. There’s a button on the bed you can push if you need me.”

She left before Phil could say anything else, but there wasn’t anything left to say anyway. He turned around to the chair that was against the wall behind him and picked it up, moving it right beside Dan’s bed.

Gently, he raised his hand and placed it on top of Dan’s. Feeling the warmth of Dan’s skin, knowing that Dan was alive, comforted Phil more than anything else. 

It would be okay.

Whatever happened, they’d be okay.  
  


 

It was nearing ten o’clock and Phil was beginning to feel tired. For the first time since he got the phone call that Dan was hurt, he felt like he could fall asleep.

He was resting his head on the arm that was holding onto Dan, his eyes slowly closing. The moment was short lived, however, as Phil felt Dan’s hand twitch. His head shot up and he looked at Dan’s face, then back to his hand.

_ Maybe it’s just a twitch, _ Phil thought.

That thought was also short lived, as the next thing Phil heard was a small, short moan. He looked up at Dan’s face again to see that Dan was beginning to move his head a little bit. Just small movements, back and forth. 

Phil stood up and quickly found the button to press for the nurse as Dan’s eyes began to open.

Dan groaned again, blinking slow and heavy blinks. 

“It’s alright, Dan, I’m here,” Phil said. He didn’t even know if Dan would be worried, he just wanted him to hear a familiar voice.

“W- What?” Dan replied, looking more confused than Phil had ever seen. He lifted his hand to try and rub the tired out of his eyes, but groaned when he felt pain from all the bruises and cuts.

“Don’t try and move too much, okay? Let’s wait for the doctor.”

“W… What?” Dan’s voice sounded dry and tired. Like he hadn’t had water in days.

“Do you know where you are, Dan?”

Dan’s eyes opened, his eyelids feeling like twenty pound weights he was having to keep up.

“No,” He said slowly, looking around. “Hos- Hospital,” He added. Phil could tell he only knew because this place could look like nothing else but a hospital. “Why?” Dan asked, turning his head slowly to meet Phil’s eyes.

“Well, you’re okay, so don’t worry, alright? You got in a little accident.”

Just then the nurse arrived. “Apologies, there was an emergency.”

“It’s alright.”

“Oh!” She said, becoming slightly more cheerful when she saw Dan’s eyes open. “You’re awake!”

“I’m confused,” Dan said, his words coming out slurred and slow.

“Well, that’s quite alright, I would be too if I were you. Can you tell me your name?” Eva asked, walking up to the side of Dan’s bed.

“Dan.”

“How about a last name?”

“How… Howell.”

“Good! Do you know your age?”

“Twenty-five.”

“And who’s the man standing next to you here?”

“Ph- Phil.”

“Okay, now onto questions that don’t seem pointless to you. How’s your pain level?”

Dan’s eyebrows furrowed. “P- Pain?”

“Yes, Sir. You were hit by a car yesterday evening,” Eva began, walking over to her portable workstation and filling up a glass of water. “You have quite a few bruises and small cuts, a sprained wrist, and you had to have surgery on your spine.”

“Surgery?” Dan questioned. Everything was a question to him right now. Nothing made sense. He didn’t feel scared or alarmed, just confused.

Eva helped Dan take a sip of water, then placed the glass on a tray beside the bed. “Yes. Now can you tell me if you’re in any pain?”

“My... My arm hurt when… when I lifted it.”

“Right arm?”

Dan nodded. 

“That’s the sprain, Dear. It’ll be sore for a couple weeks. Now, do you feel pain anywhere else?”

Dan’s eyes closed shut for a moment, then reopened. “No,” He answered.

Phil looked at the nurse and he could swear that, for at least half a second, she looked worried. It made Phil’s heart skip a beat.

“You’re probably still feeling the effects of all the medication you’ve been given. I won’t give you any more pain medication at the moment, cause the doctor will be in soon and he’ll want to run a couple of tests. If the pain comes, let me know, alright?”

Both Dan and Phil nodded in response.

Eva’s beeper went off and she looked down, then began to make her way out of the room. “I’ll be back in a bit, boys.”

Phil sat back down as Dan’s eyes began to close. He took Dan’s hand in his again, rubbing his thumb over the back of Dan’s hand.

He heard Dan sigh, and he almost sounded content. 

“Are you falling back asleep?” Phil asked quietly.

“Eyes’r heavy,” Dan replied, his words slurring together a bit.

“I think the doctor will be in soon,” Phil replied.

It was quiet for a moment, then Dan said, “How?”

“How what?” Phil asked. “How will the doctor be in?”

The question made Dan smile a bit, and Dan’s smile made Phil smile in return. “No, dummy,” Dan said, “How’d I get hit… by a car?”

“Oh! Well, you were going to the store. We needed cereal.”

_ Because of me. _

“Oh. Did I get it?”

“Did you get what?” Phil asked, confused again. “The cereal?”

Dan nodded.

“Uh, I don’t know. I don’t know if you were on your way to the store or back when you got hit.”

“Oh. Hope I didn’t,” Dan replied, his eyes slowly opening back up, “Waste of money.”

Phil took a deep breath, not sure whether he should laugh or not. Dan seemed to sense this and moved his hand up and down a bit, just to get Phil’s attention. “It was a joke. I’m out of it, cut me s- some slack.”

Before Phil could say anything, someone was entering the room. 

“I’m Dr. Stevens,” A very tall, very tan man said with a voice that seemed a bit too loud for the situation.

He held out a hand to Phil and shook it briskly. “Phil,” Phil introduced. 

Dr. Stevens nodded. “And you’re Daniel, right?” He switched hands to shake Dan’s left hand instead of the injured right one.

Dan nodded. “Dan.”

“Okay, Dan. I’m not the one who did your surgery last night, that was Dr. Taylor. He’s one of the best here and he filled me in on everything before he left. While he’s the best at surgery, I’m the best at explaining it because I’ll actually do it in a way you’ll understand, okay?”

Dan nodded.

“Okay. You had surgery on the lower part of your spinal cord. The area that was injured could potentially have an impact on your lower body movement.”

Dan was looking straight into the doctor’s eyes. The man had big presence and it was hard to not look directly at him as he spoke. Phil noticed something out of the corner of his eye though, and it made him look down from Dr. Stevens’ face.

The doctor was at the foot of Dan’s bed, and as he talked to Dan, he was also taking his pen and pushing it into the bottom of Dan’s feet. Not enough to actually hurt him, but enough for someone to jerk their foot away and tell the person to stop.

Phil’s heart began to race. He didn’t hear anything else the doctor said until the man clapped his hands together. 

“Okay, let’s get started. I’m gonna take the sheet off of you and ask you to do a couple of things for me with your legs, alright?”

Dan nodded, and Phil noticed that he was looking paler than before. The things the doctor said while Phil phased out must have really bothered Dan. Phil took Dan’s hand and squeezed it. He was surprised when Dan didn’t try to let go, but squeezed back harder instead.

Dr. Stevens took Dan’s blankets and pulled them to the end of the bed.

Phil was able to see for the first time just how bruised Dan’s legs were too. They had deep black, blue, purple, and even green spots all over them. They were scratched up worse than the rest of him too. 

_ That should be painful, _ Phil noted in his head. He’d never say it outloud. He didn’t seem to have to though, because Dan even held on tighter when he saw how they looked.

“Alright, Dan. First, could you move your right leg for me?”

Dan’s eyes focused on his leg as he desperately tried to move it. His big toe twitched, but that was it. 

“Okay, we’ve got movement in the toe. Can you move your leg though?”

“I- I’m trying,” He replied, sounding both annoyed and like he was trying not to cry.

His toe twitched again. 

“Alright,” Dr. Stevens responded, his facial expression unchanged. Phil was thankful for that, because the last thing either of them needed was a worried glance. “Let’s try the other leg. Anything you can move?”

Dan focused on his left leg, as though staring at it hard enough would make it move. 

It didn’t.

Not even a toe twitch.

“Can you close your eyes for me, Dan?”

Dan closed his eyes. He didn’t even ask questions. He didn’t seem to be freaking out the way Phil was on the inside. That worried Phil more than anything.

“Okay, tell me when you feel something.”

Phil watched as Dr. Stevens poked Dan’s left leg. Phil moved back, keeping hold of Dan’s hand, as the doctor made his way up Dan’s leg. He got his first response when he poked Dan’s hip. 

“I feel a little pressure,” Dan responded, his voice sounding so small.

“Alright, now I’m going to go to the other side.”

Again, there was no reaction until the doctor reached Dan’s hip bone.

“Alright, Dan, you can open your eyes.”

Dan did as he was told. The doctor wrote some things down on a clipboard, the room filled with a much too heavy silence.

“Well, you did just come out of surgery, so you may still have some swelling on your spine that needs to go down. We’ll do these tests again in a while and see if anything changes.”

“Wh- What if it doesn’t?” Dan asked.

“Right now it’s looking like partial paralysis. You have a small amount of movement on your right side, which is a good sign. The toe twitch tells us a lot.”

For the first time since Phil had taken Dan’s hand, Dan’s grip loosened. This wasn’t a good sign either.

“Right now you need more rest though. We’ll check on the site of the surgery in a little bit, but sleep will help wonders. It may make the swelling go down and then you’ll be able to move more.”

“But the actual chances of that?” There was a calm viciousness in Dan’s tone that only Phil could detect. 

“Fifty-Fifty.” Dr. Stevens responded. “Anymore questions for me?”

Dan remained silent so Phil responded. “No. No, thank you.”

“I’ll be back later,” Dr. Stevens said, making his way out of the room.

Phil wanted to speak. He wanted to say something that would make things better, or make things different somehow. He couldn’t think of anything.

Dan let go of Phil’s hand completely and closed his eyes. Phil was pretty sure he was faking sleep, but he let him pretend anyway.

  
The silence spoke volumes. It said everything they couldn’t.


	2. Chapter 2

Sometime during Dan faking sleep, he actually fell asleep. Phil could tell by staring at Dan’s heart monitor, and watching his breaths even out. 

Phil felt tears stinging his eyes. He had been so panicked before that he hadn’t come close to crying, but now he was close.

He couldn’t cry though. He couldn’t risk Dan waking up and seeing him in tears. That would break any spirit Dan had left.

So, Phil held in his emotions, leaning his head back and closing his eyes tightly.

Phil thought he felt alone last night, but that was nothing. This. This is real loneliness. He knew Dan must feel it too. Whatever Phil was feeling, Dan had to be feeling that times one hundred. 

Phil felt stupid, actually, for feeling so alone and sad. He wasn’t the one who would potentially be paralyzed for the rest of his life. He should be able to form encouraging words to help Dan feel better.

But, he couldn’t think of anything right now. He couldn’t think of anything to say while Dan was actually awake, and he couldn’t think of anything for when Dan wakes up again. 

Phil rubbed his tired eyes and looked over at Dan. He couldn’t throw a pity party for himself right now. He couldn’t feel sadness or pain or fear or anger. He just had to be brave. He just had to be strong. The hard part wasn’t happening to him. He needed to remember that.

Phil took Dan’s hand in his, making sure to be extra gentle so he didn’t wake him up. Phil’s brain felt so full, like no thought would fully process. He didn’t know what he was supposed to do.

_ There’s nothing I can do, _ he thought, and that was the most horrifying part.

  
  


As Dan continued to sleep, Phil stepped into the hall and called Dan’s mum. He didn’t want to go too far in case Dan woke up.

Talking to Dan’s mum was… difficult, to say the least. He had to do it though. He had to let her know that, at least for right now, Dan couldn’t move his legs. He had to let her know that it may be permanent, but it could also be temporary. He had to let her know so she wouldn’t walk in expecting her son to be recovering, only to find he may never fully recover.

Actually saying these things, actually saying that no one knew for sure yet if Dan would regain the use of his legs, that hurt Phil’s heart. He felt like he was somehow betraying Dan by saying these things. He made sure to be quiet so Dan would never be able to hear.

  
  


Thankfully, Dan was still sleeping when Phil finished his phone call. 

Unfortunately, as Phil sat down, his chair squeaked and Dan began to stir. 

“Sorry,” Phil said as Dan opened his eyes. “The chair woke you up.”

Dan didn't respond. He simply looked around groggily, taking in his surroundings and remembering the situation he was currently in.

“It’s fine,” He replied after a long silence. Phil wasn’t even sure if he was responding to his apology, or to something else.

Phil opened his mouth to speak, not exactly sure what was going to come out. Before he had a chance to actually say anything, Eva walked into the room. Phil closed his mouth, biting his cheek in annoyance. If they could just have one moment to talk to each other. One moment to say something without a nurse or a doctor interrupting. Maybe, just  _ maybe _ that would help matters somehow.

“Hello, Dears!” She sayed cheerfully, whipping her portable workstation around to the right side of Dan’s bed. Phil noticed there was a tray of food on the workstation, and realized that he hadn’t eaten anything since before his live show last night. He hadn’t even thought about food. “Sorry to bother you, but I saw your food was on its way in and figured I’d bring it because I need to check the site of your surgery.”

“It’s fine,” Dan says again. Phil wished he’d say something else.

Eva placed Dan’s food on his overbed table, but moved it out of the way. “Okay,” She said, looking up at Phil. “I’m actually going to be having someone come in here to help me, so it may be better for you to wait outside the room during this. Just because it may get a little cramped in here.”

Phil nodded, then looked down at Dan. “I’ll be right back, okay?”

Dan simply nodded in response.

  
  


Twenty minutes later, Eva and an assistant exited the room. The assistant continued on his way to another room, but Eva stopped to talk to Phil. “You can go back in whenever you are ready, Hon, everything’s finished.”

“Is it okay? The surgery site?”

“Oh, yes, everything’s fine. It just took a while because he needed help moving around. This is all very new for him, and I’m sure agitating to not be able to twist around on his own. We’ve got a system down now, so it won’t take as long in the future.”

“Okay,” Phil replied, his voice shaky, “Okay.”

Eva placed a hand on Phil’s arm. “Eat some food in there. There’s plenty for both of you. Sleep when he sleeps. Take breaks. It’ll take time.”

“I… I don’t know what to say to him,” Phil whispered. He knew he shouldn’t be bothering Eva with his problems, but that’s all he had right now.

“That’s okay. There’s food in there. Talk about food. I also dropped off a bag that had his clothes, wallet, and phone. He might like to play some games or something? The conversation will happen in time.”

Phil nodded. “I better go back inside.”

“Okay. I’ll be in again before my shift ends.”

  
  


When Phil walked back into the room, he noticed Dan staring down at his covered legs. His eyes were red, telling Phil he must’ve cried when they moved him around to check him.

“You alright?” Phil asked cautiously, trying to get Dan to look at him.

“It’s fine.”

Phil sighed. He walked over to Dan’s tray and began to fix the food. “You must be starving,” he said, pulling back the lid of a pudding cup. “Do you want this pudding, or would you rather the soup? I think the soup is chicken noodle. That’s what it sort of appears to look like.”

“I’m fine,” Dan replied.

Phil rubbed his eyes and looked over at Dan, who was still staring down at his legs. “Danny, could you please say something else besides ‘fine,’ please?”

Dan was silent for a minute, then responded. “They still won’t move.”

Phil turned his attention back to the food, fiddling with it as he spoke. “The doctor said it could take time. You’re still swollen from surgery. It could take a while.”

“The nurse said the swelling has gone down a lot already.” His voice was calm and controlled. Like he was dead inside.

“Well, a lot doesn’t mean all the way. Let’s wait for the doctor to come back and check himself. He’ll run more tests. Then we’ll see.” Phil stirred the soup, trying to cool it a bit. “Right now, you need to eat. Your mum is going to be here this evening. She’ll want to know that you’ve eaten something. So, do you want pudding or soup?”

Phil looked back over at Dan, who was now staring straight ahead at the wall instead of at his legs. “I’m fine,” He responded, then closed his eyes.

Phil covered up the food and walked back to his chair, sitting down. He couldn’t blame Dan for not wanting to eat. He wasn’t hungry either.

  
  


Dan wakes up again around three o’clock. He looks over at Phil, who has fallen asleep in his chair. Phil’s arms are crossed on the side of Dan’s bed, and his head is resting in them. 

_ That’s gonna hurt, _ Dan noted, staring at how awkwardly Phil was bent over. He was definitely going to wake up with a stiff back and neck.

Dan lifted up his hand, ghosting it over Phil’s head. He wanted to run his fingers through Phil’s hair, just like he did when they were at home.

He didn’t though. He put his hand back down on the bed, making sure he didn’t disturb Phil. 

That’s when it all hit him again. The reason why he was in the hospital. Every time he woke up he would have a brief moment of forgetting, then it would smack him in the face all over again.

He looked down at his legs, still covered by the hospital blankets. He remembered the nurse and assistant moving him around to check where he had been operated on. He remembered the lack of pain he felt as they moved him around. 

He should have felt pain. That was the problem. Yes, his arms hurt; his whole upper body felt sore. But, his legs felt nothing.

The nurse had removed his blankets so there wouldn’t be anything in the way, and Dan watched his legs as the assistant helped to move him around. He watched as she moved his leg over, touching a dark bruise. He flinched, waiting for the pain, and felt nothing.

He stayed quiet during the entire ordeal, although he wanted to curse and scream. It just wouldn’t reach his lips. It was like his voice had been paralyzed too. Like his thoughts just couldn't escape him.

He remembered a couple of tears falling down his cheeks as the nurse told the assistant to write down that the swelling had gone down. He remembered being upset about the fact that his wound was healing, but that he wasn’t.

He tried concentrating so hard. He kept telling his brain to make his legs move, but they wouldn’t. Just that stupid toe twitch. Like that was somehow supposed to make him feel okay.

He had made sure to wipe the tears away before Phil came back into the room. Phil didn’t need to see him crying. Phil didn’t need him to be even more of a burden than what he was already going to be.

Forever.

Because he was going to be like this.

Forever.

Tears filled in his eyes again, so he lifted up his good arm and wiped them away before they could fall.

_ You’re fine. _

_ You’re fine. _

_ You’re fine. _

 

Dan watched the clock on the wall opposite him for two hours. He could have watched TV, or even reached over and dug his phone out of the bag the nurse had brought in, but he didn’t want to. He just wanted the silence.

Phil woke up a little after five, glaring around the room in confusion until he met Dan’s eyes and remembered where they were. 

“I fell asleep,” he stated.

Dan nodded. “You did.”

Phil yawned. “Did I miss anything?”

“Yeah, I actually went out and ran a marathon,” Dan deadpanned.

Phil stared at him, confused, as he was still a little bit asleep. 

“That was a joke, Phil,” Dan said, rolling his eyes.

“Oh!” Phil responded, waking up a little more. “Oh, right.” He rubbed his eyes, which felt like they were on fire. 

He really needed to take out his contacts.

Phil took his phone out of his pocket to check for messages. “Your mum should be here soon,” Phil said, noticing the time.

Sure enough, there were two messages from her. 

_ ‘Ten minutes,’ _ said one from almost ten minutes ago. And,  _ ‘On way up,’ _ said another from under a minute ago. 

“She’s on her way up now,” Phil said.

Dan nodded, returning to his quiet ways. 

Just then, there was a knock on the door. “Come in,” Phil said, standing up.

Dan’s mum walked into the room. She was smiling gently, but her face showed concern.

“Hello,” She said, glancing at Phil then looking over to Dan.

“Hi, Mum,” Dan replied, forcing a small smile on his face.

Phil faked a smile too. “Hello.”

“How are you, Honey?” She asked, making her way over to Dan. She gave him a gentle hug, something Phil realized he hadn’t even done yet.

_ I should’ve hugged him already, _ he thought, scolding himself. He had been afraid to get too close, sticking to hand holding, but he should have hugged him.

“I’m fine, Mum,” Dan replied, patting her back.

“And how are you, Phil?” She said, coming around the bed and giving Phil a hug as well. Phil was slightly surprised by this, but he welcomed it anyway.

“I’m well, thank you. You can have a seat if you’d like,” he said, moving over so she could sit in his chair.

“Thank you. It’s been quite a day,” She replied, sitting down. “Has the doctor been back in since earlier?”

“No,” Phil answered, “But he said he’d be by again today, so he’ll probably come in soon.”

She nodded, looking over at Dan again. “Daniel, have you been resting properly? That will help you heal more than anything else.”

“Yes, Mum, I’ve slept a lot today.”

She nodded. After she stared at Dan for a moment, taking in all his visible injuries, she looked over at Phil. “You look exhausted, Phil. Why don’t you go to the house and get some rest? I can take care of Daniel for a bit.”

“Oh, no, I’m fine,” Phil answered. He hated those words coming out of his mouth. He had heard Dan say it so much today, a lie every time, and now he was doing it.

She gave him a knowing look. “Phil, your eyes look terrible, you haven’t been able to change clothes, or get a shower. Just take a break for a bit.” She leaned over and patted Dan’s arm. “We’ll be okay, right, Daniel?”

Dan took a deep breath. “Yeah, we’ll be fine,” He said, giving his mum a quick smile so she wouldn’t worry. 

Phil just looked at Dan for a moment, unsure if he should really leave. He _did_ feel like he’d have to claw his eyes out if his contacts weren’t removed soon.

“Okay,” he said. “Okay, I’ll be back in a couple of hours. Is there anything you want me to bring you from the house, Dan?”

Dan shook his head. “No. You can take my bag of stuff though,” he said, pointing to the bag of things that contained his belongings.

Phil got the bag and wrapped the string around his wrist, holding onto it tightly. “Would you like your phone kept here? I have a charger with me that you could use.”

“No,” Dan replied.

“Okay.” He walked up to Dan, thinking about the fact that he should give him a hug.

He just squeezed his hand instead.

Dan barely squeezed back. It hurt Phil’s heart, but he knew he shouldn’t expect much from Dan right now.

“I’ll be back,” he said again, looking over to Dan’s mum. 

“We’ll be just fine, Phil,” she said with a smile. “I’ll call you if we find out anything.”

  
  


Phil walked into the apartment, thankful to not have to climb a million stairs to get to the living room. Their apartment was high up, and it was on three levels, but they were able to take a lift up to their floor now. 

The living room, kitchen, a bathroom, and two extra rooms- which were used for gaming and Dan’s filming- were on the first floor. The second floor had two bedrooms and another bathroom. The top floor had a great room and access to a balcony. It was much better, and easier, than their previous apartment.

Phil sighed as he leaned against the apartment door. He had left a few lights on last night, and he made a mental note to shut them all off before he left.

He walked to the bathroom and took his contacts out, grateful that he had left their case on the bottom floor bathroom instead of the one upstairs. He then walked out to the living room and picked his glasses up off the coffee table, putting them on and briefly adjusting to the feeling of wearing them.

He still had Dan’s bag in his hand, so he sat down on the couch and opened it up, spilling the contents out onto the coffee table. 

He picked up Dan’s phone and held it in his hand, looking it over for damage. There were a few scratches on the screen, and a couple of new dents on the edges, but otherwise it looked fine.

Dan’s wallet looked okay too. Everything was in the exact same place that it always was.

His clothes- a white, longsleeve shirt, black skinny jeans, boxers, socks from last Halloween, and black boots- were dirty. They looked like he had rolled around in dirt for a while. There were some bloodstains on the shirt too, but everything looked fixable.

All the clothes needed was to be put in the laundry. The phone still looked better than most peoples, and there was nothing wrong with the wallet.

Just looking at it made Phil angry.

It wasn’t fair that all of these things that were with Dan turned out to be okay when Dan might never be okay again.

It just wasn’t fair.

Phil picked up Dan’s shirt and looked over it again. It still smelled like his cologne. It made Phil remember the last conversation they had before Dan had left.

 

_ “Oh, Philly!” Dan yelled from the kitchen. _

_ “Yeah?” Phil answered, walking from the living room into the kitchen. _

_ “Where’s my cereal?” _

_ “What cereal?” Phil asked, playing dumb. _

_ “Phil!” Dan whined. “You ate it again?!” _

_ “I can’t help it! It’s a problem!” _

_ “I wanted some for a snack.” _

_ “I’m sorry!” Phil said, leaning against the doorway. “Why don’t you eat my cereal?” _

_ Dan gave Phil a disgusted look. “Cause you got the gross kind. I don’t like it.” _

_ “Well, then I’ll buy you some tomorrow. We’ve got other food in this house… Don’t we?” _

_ “Barely,” Dan responded, passing Phil and walking out of the kitchen. Phil followed him upstairs into their bedroom. He watched as Dan brought out his boots and sat on the bed, putting them on.  _

_ “What are you doing?” _

_ “Going to the store, you baboon! I want my bloody cinnamons!” _

_ “Dan, it’s getting late! I can go with you tomorrow. I have a live show starting soon and you’re supposed to pop in!” _

_ Dan waved him off, standing up and moving over to their dresser. He picked up his wallet and put it into his back pocket. “I’ll be back in time to join you for the last fifteen or twenty minutes. It’ll be fine.” _

_ “Or you can wait until after the live show and we’ll go together,” Phil suggested.  _

_ “I’m hungry now, Phil! We’ll be too tired after the live show and then I won’t have any cereal tonight or in the morning. That’s a terrible game to play with my emotions, Philip Lester.” _

_ Phil crossed his arms, but gave Dan a little smile. “I’ll pay you back for them tomorrow.” _

_ Dan walked over to Phil and kissed his lips gently. “You can just edit our next gaming video and we’ll call it even,” he said, an evil smile on his face. _

_ “Damnit!” Phil exclaimed as Dan walked out of the room. “You know I didn’t want to edit that one! You curse so much!” _

_ “Don’t mess with my cereal, Bitch!” Dan called back playfully from the bathroom. _

_ “Put on cologne before you go!” Phil yelled out to him, passing the bathroom and going back downstairs. “You smell like pizza!” _

_ “That’s a beautiful smell, Phil! How dare you!” _

_ Phil rolled his eyes and sat down at the couch, opening up his laptop and getting ready to start the live show.  _

_ A couple of minutes later, Dan walked into the room. “Okay, I’m going. You need anything?” _

_ “No, I’m good.” _

_ Dan came over and gave Phil another quick kiss on the lips. “I’ll get you a surprise while I’m out.” _

_ “See, this is why I don’t quit eating your cereal. In the end, I win too!” _

_ Dan walked off, shooting a bird at Phil as he left the house. Phil laughed, then logged into YouNow to begin his show. _

  
The memories flooding Phil’s mind, mixed with his lack of sleep and emotional state, did not do him any favors. He leaned his head against the back of the couch and closed his eyes, letting the tears fall freely down his cheeks.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading and for all the kind comments so far! Keep them coming, please and thanks!
> 
> We'll get to the more emotional stuff soon, but this one isn't gonna be a short fic, so bear with me!


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There is a lot of discussion about the things that may go along with being paralyzed. Some may consider this an adult topic, but it is a reality and I do want to try and make this as realistic as possible.

**Week One**

The first week after the accident is filled with loads of “firsts.” After four days of no change, the doctor sat down with Dan, Phil, and Dan’s mum to talk about where to go from here.

He told them they needed to start adjusting to a new way of life.

He told them there was still a chance Dan would one day regain the use of his legs, but there was also a much higher chance that he wouldn’t. It was time to start learning to live as a partially paralyzed human being.

Okay, he didn’t exactly word it like that. But that’s how it sounded to everyone else in the room.

Dan’s mum had spoken encouraging words to her son, although they fell on deaf ears. After a few minutes, she excused herself from the room to go get a cup of tea. 

Phil knew she was leaving to cry.

Dan would go from being extremely quiet, to making ill-timed jokes that weren’t very funny.

“Well, at least I have an excuse to sit on my ass now,” he said to Phil once. 

Phil didn’t laugh.

  
  


They found out over time that Dan was still able to realize when he needed to use the restroom. The doctors and nurses seemed happy about that. Apparently, that removes a lot of stress and problems overall.

Dan’s catheter was removed after the second day, and each time he had to go to the bathroom a nurse and one or two assistants would have to help him into a chair, onto the toilet, clean him, return him back to the chair, and back to the bed.

 

On the seventh day, Dan really needed to pee and it was taking a while for the nurses to arrive.

Dan’s mum had gone to their house to get some sleep, so it was just Dan and Phil in the room.

“Why don’t I help you? I’ve watched the nurses and assistants do it tons of times.”

Dan shook his head. “No, it’s fine, I’ll wait.” He pushed himself up with his good hand, wincing at the fact he felt like he was about to burst.

“Dan, seriously, I can do it. There might be an emergency or something. It could take a few more minutes for them to get here.”

“Phil, I’m fine,” Dan replied, clearly agitated. “I can wait.”

Phil sighed. “You’re being stubborn.”

“Well, I think I’ve earned that privilege for right now, don’t you?” He asked, glaring over at Phil.

Phil shook his head, but decided to let it go. He crossed his arms and leaned back against the window. 

A couple of minutes passed before Dan reached over and pressed the button again for the nurse. 

“You could already be done peeing if you’d let me help you,” Phil mumbled, although it was clear enough for Dan to hear.

Dan rolled his eyes. “Just shut the fuck up, please!” He said through gritted teeth.

Thankfully, before either of them had a chance to get more upset with one another, a nurse entered the room.

  
  


**Week Two**

On Dan’s ninth day in the hospital, his dad arrived. He was only able to stay for one night, because of work, but it helped take the load off of Phil and Dan’s mum for a bit. He stayed with Dan for about eight hours straight while Dan’s mum got some rest. 

Phil took this time to go apartment hunting. He and Dan needed something where everything was on one floor. He had already spoken with their landlord, who understood, and said he’d do anything to help accommodate their needs until Phil could find something else.

 

On the eleventh day, Phil was seated next to Dan’s bed, eating a pudding cup, while they watched the news on TV.

“What have you told them?” Dan asked out of nowhere.

“What have I told who?”

“Them. The people. Our followers.”

“Oh.” Phil put the pudding cup down and cleared his throat. “I actually haven’t said anything since the night it happened. I was doing the live show when I got a call from the police. I thought it was you, so the phone was on speaker at first. I just kinda said that you hadn’t been arrested but I needed to go.”

“Oh,” Dan replied, still staring at the TV. “You could tweet something, if you want.”

“Are you sure?” Phil asked. This was the longest conversation he and Dan had had since the accident. Phil was almost scared to speak. He was scared Dan would go back into silent mode.

Dan shrugged. “Sure. Tell them another reason I’m a fail is that, apparently, I can’t seem to cross a street properly.”

Phil stared at Dan. There was no way he could write that. He wasn’t even sure if Dan was being serious or not.

“I don’t think I’m going to say that, Dan,” Phil replied cautiously. “It doesn’t sound very me.”

Dan shrugged again. “Then put whatever you want. They’ve probably all been freaking out for almost two weeks.”

Phil got out his phone and began to type.  _ ‘Dan got in a pretty bad accident a couple of weeks ago and is still recovering. We should be home soon. Thanks for the concern.’ _

He read it to Dan before sending it out to the world. 

Dan shrugged again, making Phil wish he could chop off his shoulders if it would get him to stop. “Little boring, but it’ll do I guess.”

 

On the twelfth day, the nurses and assistants began to teach Dan how to get out of bed and into the wheelchair by himself.

Phil left at Dan’s request, but not before noticing the tears beginning to fill in Dan’s eyes. He went to the cafeteria and laid his head in his hands. He didn't know what to do.

He felt useless. He felt responsible. He felt lonely. He felt like he lost Dan on the night of the accident. He felt like he lost himself too. 

 

**Week Three**

On the fifteenth day, they get a call from the police department.

There wasn’t much to it, really, and Phil wondered why they even bothered.

There was no trace of who might’ve hit Dan. No witness that could give an accurate description of the vehicle. No clear camera angles from security cameras. Basically, they were giving up. They didn’t say they were, but Phil could tell.

London was filled with crime and criminals, and, unfortunately, there were much worse things happening than hit and runs.

 

The sixteenth day was not much better. On this day, a doctor came in to tell them of any other possible problems due to the paralysis. Since the paralysis was caused from a spinal injury instead of a brain injury, it reduced some risks, but others remained. 

Depression was the first one discussed. The doctor went over the five stages of grief with Dan and Phil, explaining each one in detail.

“Denial,” She said. “You may be in disbelief that this happened to you. You may begin to think that, in no time at all, you’ll be able to do all the things you used to do. This is a normal feeling to have; most patients do. After denial is anger. This may cause you to lash out at family or friends. The ones we are closest to are usually the ones we are harshest with. Then there’s bargaining. You may try to beg your doctor for a miracle cure. You may even do the research yourself, letting Google diagnose and cure you. The next one is the worst. Depression. If you get to this point, you need to speak to a therapist. Please remember that this is a difficult adjustment for anyone, and no one expects you to just snap your fingers and be fine. If you seem to lose all interest in the things that once interested you, or if you feel like your life isn’t worth living, speak to somebody.  _ Anybody. _ ” The doctor gave Dan a pointed look until he nodded back to her. 

“Okay,” She responded with a nod. “The last step is acceptance. This is when you start to get your life back. This is when you will learn to adjust to your new way of life and adapt to your new world. I don’t mean to worry either of you with this information, but I want you both to be informed. That’s the most important thing.”

Both Dan and Phil gave her a nod. Phil felt like he should be taking notes. He wanted to make sure he knew everything so he could help Dan as much as possible. 

Dan just wished she’d stop talking.

The next thing the doctor spoke about was erections. And, if Dan hadn’t wished she’d stop talking before, he definitely did now. “There are two types of erections. Reflex and psychogenic. Reflex is caused by something touching your penis or another sensitive part of your body. A reflex erection is basically what it sounds like- a reflex reaction. Psychogenic erections are caused by sexual thoughts or looking at sexual images. After a spinal cord injury, some people find they can have a reflex erection, but not a psychogenic one. Dan, because your injury is so low, you have a high chance of being able to have both of these types of erections. If you have any problems, however, you can talk to your primary physician. There are methods to fixing the issues should you have any.”

Dan might as well have been dead. This was the last thing he wanted to discuss with someone. He didn’t want to be in this situation at all. He didn’t want Phil to hear that he might not ever be able to “get it up” again. Dan just wanted to fall asleep.

Phil was still thinking about the five stages of grief. He already felt like they might be there. He himself had felt some of those things, so he knew Dan had to too. 

“Now, ejaculation...” The doctor continued. Dan placed himself into a fantasy world to try and drown out her voice. It was like the world was telling him,  _ “Hey! Paralyzing you wasn’t enough! Let’s give you all these extra, super embarrassing problems to go along with it! Isn’t that great?!” _

 

Dan and Phil were still distant. Over the past couple of weeks, Phil could count on one hand the times he’s hugged Dan. He wasn’t even sure he could call them hugs. It was more like one-armed pats on the back. Phil knew it was stupid. He knew he was being stupid. He knew he should just hug Dan. Dan’s mum did it every day. She would hug him and care for him and Dan would hug her back.

He never returned Phil’s pats. Phil didn’t know whether it was because patting him on the back was insanely stupid, or that Dan just didn’t want him around.

Because, Dan didn’t seem to want Phil around most of the time. Phil’s hospital visits were filled with awkward silences, nurses always coming to help- even though Phil was perfectly capable, Dan never letting him do anything, and Dan was still doing the ill-timed and ill-worded jokes that Phil just couldn’t seem to laugh at.

“I’ll never have to worry about my legs cramping during flights again,” He said with a shrug and a laugh one night. It was almost eight o’clock, visiting hours would be over soon, and Phil would be leaving. 

Phil looked over at Dan, who was sitting up in bed, eating a fruit cup that had been given to him at dinner. When he didn’t laugh, Dan rolled his eyes. “Tough room,” he mumbled.

Phil remained silent for a moment, until Dan took his last bite of the fruit. 

“I, uh, I’ve found a couple of new places that you might like,” he said, looking down and picking invisible lint from his jeans.

Dan side eyed him, then slowly turned to look at him. “What do you mean ‘new places’?”

“New apartments,” Phil replied, looking back up at Dan. It’s one of the first times they’ve made eye contact in a few days and Phil wished they hadn’t.

“Who’s moving to a new apartment?”

“Well, we are?” Phil answered, but it came out as a question.

“Phil, we literally just moved into the apartment we’re in now. I’d rather stab myself in the throat then see or smell cardboard boxes again.”

“Dan-”

“No, Phil,” Dan interrupted. “We’re not moving!” His voice rose. It’s something that naturally happened when he was upset. He wasn’t meaning to yell, but that’s the way it came out.

“Dan, our apartment is on three levels. Two levels can only be reached by stairs. The landlord already said he’d be fine with us moving, but he can’t let us build ramps over his staircases.”

“There’s still a perfectly fine first floor I can live on. We’re  _ not _ moving.”

Phil rubbed his eyes. He was already exhausted, and this was not helping. He had just spent the last three days going apartment hunting. Dan’s mum had stayed at the hospital for most of the time and Phil went nonstop. When he wasn’t out looking at apartments, he was looking at others online.

“Dan, you’re not being rational,” he replied. He was calm, his voice low, and that seemed to only anger Dan more.

“I don’t really give a shit, Phil. You do what you want,  _ I’m _ not moving.”

Just then, over the speaker system, a female voice announced that visiting hours were over. 

“Goodnight, Dan,” Phil said as he stood up. He headed directly for the door, not bothering to give Dan’s hand a squeeze or give him a pat on the back.

Dan didn’t respond, but bit his lip in an effort to stop himself from crying.

He had already changed Phil’s life too much. He couldn’t change it even more. He’d be fine at their apartment. 

He would.

 

On the twentieth day, Dan started a new physical therapy. While previous sessions had been done to teach him how to survive as a partially paralyzed human being, this had other focuses. This was to teach him how to use his upper body to support his whole body. This was to teach him exercises and physical coping methods. He had said a couple of days before that he didn’t want anyone there during his session, so Phil waited to visit him in the afternoon. Dan slept most of the time. Apparently, the therapy had been a lot more difficult than anticipated, and it wore Dan out.

When he was awake, though, they never spoke about their fight from the previous night. They resumed their awkward silence, with the occasional spoken word about something that meant nothing and could have gone without being said.

  
  


**Week Four**

By the twenty-fifth day, Dan was able to get himself into his chair, to the bathroom, on the toilet, clean himself, and get back into bed. It takes him a while to do it all, about double what it takes when the nurses do it for him, but he manages. 

 

Phil had spent less time at the hospital recently, but Dan doesn’t question it and his mum doesn’t mention it. Dan figures it’s just another step of Phil distancing himself. He’s prepared himself for this over the past month, so he’s learned to ignore the pain in his chest when he actually thinks about it.

 

Dan has also learned how to dress himself during his time in the hospital. He wasn’t great at it, but he could get sweatpants and a hoodie on, which is all he really needed right now anyway. 

 

The day before Dan is released from the hospital, his mum has to leave. Dan knows she’d stay if she could, but she’s already been gone from work way too long and she’s done way too much for them anyway. 

Dan wished she’d stay. She’s his only form of real physical contact anymore, and it’s so comforting when she gives him a hug. 

Phil thanks her, over and over again, as does Dan. She won’t accept it though, saying she did what any other mother would. She gives them both a long, loving hug and walks out the door.

 

After twenty-six days, Dan is allowed to go home. It feels freeing, but terrifying. He both can’t wait to leave this place, and is shaking at the thought of not being here.

Phil calls them a special taxi cab. One that Dan could just roll his wheelchair right into. Dan would have told him it wasn’t necessary, but he didn’t really care all that much. He just wanted to stop feeling like he was going to throw up from nerves.

The drive home was silent, and the ride up the lift wasn’t very eventful either.

When they got to their apartment, Phil got the key out of his pocket and unlocked the door. He walked in first, then held the door for Dan.

Right when Dan walked in, he noticed that things were different. There was a lot more clear space on the floor. Houseplants had been moved to different corners so his wheelchair could get through.

“Um,” Phil began, breaking the silence. “I, uh, I’ve been moving things around a bit for the past few days. I hope it’s okay. The kitchen and living room are still pretty much the same." He closed and locked their door, then walked over to the gaming room. “I made the gaming room our bedroom. I know it doesn’t seem like it would be roomy enough, but it really is.” 

Dan wheeled himself over to the doorway of their new room. It looked nice. Phil had clearly done a lot of work to make their bed, a dresser, and a small wardrobe fit in the room while still giving Dan enough space to get around in his wheelchair. 

“The gaming room is where your filming room was. There’s just not enough rooms to have everything down here, and I knew you’d want the video games down here, but I can move stuff around a different way if you want. I just didn’t think you’d want our bedroom to have the huge glass wall, so that’s why I did it like this. I’ve also left my clothes in our room upstairs cause there wasn’t enough space for both of our things down here.”

Phil walked over to the bathroom and Dan followed silently. 

“The bathroom is kinda cramped, but the landlord said I could install a couple of bars in here to help you so I had someone come in and do that. There’s also a chair in the shower for you to sit on.”

Thankfully, the downstairs bathroom only had a shower, so Dan wouldn’t have to be try and get in and out of a tub every time. Even though it was a tiny bathroom, it was the easiest one for Dan to use, and the only accessible one to him now.

“So, is it okay?” Phil asked, quickly adding, “I can change anything you want.” 

“No, it’s great,” Dan said quietly, still staring into the bathroom. “Thank you.”

“Of course.”

“I think I’ll go take a nap,” Dan said, wheeling himself back to their bedroom. He cracked the door behind him, which told Phil he shouldn't follow.

For the first time in a month they were together at home.

Except they never felt more apart.


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Buckle up, kids!

Home was cold. Not physically, just in every other way.

Dan took a nap for a couple of hours, waking up to the smell of food being cooked in the kitchen. Fajitas, to be exact.

He managed to work his way back into his wheelchair, then opened up their door and rolled out to the living room.

“Foods almost ready, if you’re hungry,” Phil called from the kitchen, having heard the door squeak when Dan opened it.

“Yeah, I am, thanks,” Dan replied.

 

A couple of minutes later, Phil came into the living room carrying two plates. The food looked delicious. Dan had survived on more than just hospital food while he was there, but he hadn’t had a home cooked meal in a month. He didn’t know he could miss it so much.

“It’s nothing much,” Phil said, sitting down on the couch. “Just figured you’d want a good lunch.”

“It looks great.”

They both stared down at their food, unsure of what to do. It was like they were strangers trying to think of a conversation.

It was worse than when they actually _were_ strangers. They had more to talk about during their first Skype call than what they could manage to say right now.

“Would you like to sit on the couch? You may be more comfortable,” Phil suggested.

“No, I’m fine here,” Dan responded.

“Okay.”

Silence again.

“How about we watch the Riverdale finale? I haven’t watched it yet.”

Dan nodded. “Okay, sure.”

At least now they’d have a reason to be quiet.

 

Phil knows that they’re being _too_ quiet. He knows something is building inside and eventually it’s going to explode. He wants to prevent that. He wants to work on whatever they seemed to lose over the past month. He wants to be honest with Dan. He just doesn’t know how to go about it.

So, that’s what he says. Once they’ve finished lunch, and Riverdale is over, they head to the kitchen to put their dishes in the sink. After Phil puts his up, he just stands at the sink, his arms holding onto the edge of the countertop.

“Uh, are you gonna move or should I just throw the plate in and hope for the best?” Dan asks, staring at him.

Phil took a deep breath, then turned to Dan. “I don’t know what I’m supposed to do,” He said, his voice breaking.

“Well, you walk a little to the right so I can put my dish in the sink.”

“No, Dan, I don’t know what I’m supposed to do overall,” He said, waving his hands around.

“Oh,” Dan replied, rolling his eyes. “That’s obvious.”

Phil sighed. “What does that mean?”

Dan put his plate on the counter. “I mean you haven’t really touched me, at all, for a month. I get a little hand squeeze or a fucking tap on the back, but that’s it. I mean, what the fuck, Phil?”

There’s a bitterness in his voice that Phil hasn’t heard before. It’s warranted though, he knows.

“I’m sorry, Dan, I didn’t think you wanted me to hug you.”

Dan glared at him, “What the fuck gave you that idea? When the fuck did I become someone who hates _all_ physical contact.”

This conversation was not going the way Phil wanted it to. He was trying to prevent this. “It doesn’t matter, Dan, I just misunderstood. I’m sorry. Can I hug you now?”

“You’ve got to be shitting me. Are you serious, Phil? Are you actually fucking serious?”

Before Phil can get in another word, Dan is turning and leaving the room.

 

Dan spent the next few hours holed up in his room. He went through each drawer, seeing where everything had been placed. He stares out the window for a while. He wheels himself around the room, from one end to the other, around the bed, going in a U shape. Backwards, forwards, backwards, forwards. He’s able to stay in his room, unbothered by Phil, until he can’t take it anymore. He has to pee.

He took a deep breath and opened the door, then wheeled himself to the bathroom. He doesn’t look around, and doesn’t bother to take in where Phil might be. He doesn’t want to have a conversation right now. He just wants to go to the bathroom and then go back to his room.

Once he’s in the bathroom, with the door closed behind him, he realizes just how small this room is. It’s more than half the size of the bathroom at the hospital, and Dan isn’t sure exactly how to maneuver himself here.

The bar he has to hold onto doesn’t feel as sturdy as the one in the hospital. It’s smaller too, so Dan isn’t sure how well it’ll hold up.

He’s shaking. He’s shaking and his hands are sweating as he transfers himself to the toilet. It takes fifteen minutes, and a lot of courage, to get to this point.

And once he does, he’s exhausted.

He’s never been known for his good exercising habits- it’s almost something he’s always been proud of, his ability to be so lazy- but that was doing him no favors now.

His heart was pounding, he felt anxious and nauseous, and he wasn’t sure he’d be able to transfer himself back to his chair.

So, he sat there. He sat and sat, not knowing what to do. After another ten minutes, he felt less exhausted, but he was still terrified. If the bar broke or if he did one wrong thing, he might fall and hurt himself even more.

His eyes stung with tears, and he was just about to let them fall when there was a knock on the door.

“Dan, are you alright?” Phil asked cautiously.

Dan bit his cheek. He didn’t want to respond. He wanted Phil to go away, he wanted his problems to go away, he wanted everything to just go away.

But, that didn’t seem to be happening right now.

“Dan?” Phil asked again, sounding even more timid this time.

“I, um, I just… I need some help,” Dan replied, finally giving in.

This was going to be the most humiliating moment of his life. This is what would end it all. This is what would drive Phil away for good.

Phil gently opened the door and, if he was surprised by Dan’s state, he didn’t show it. “How can I help?” He asked.

“I just- everything’s different from the hospital and I feel exhausted and I’m worried the bar isn’t going to last and-”

He stops as Phil makes his way over, moving the wheelchair slightly to make room for him. “Wrap your arms around my neck,” he instructs, bending down and pulling up Dan’s boxers to his knees. Dan does as he’s told, feeling helpless as he waits for further instruction. “Okay, I’m gonna pull you up so I can get the boxers on, then we’ll do the pants.”

Phil raises up and Dan holds on tighter. Phil’s never been one to exercise either, so holding Dan’s weight was an adjustment, but he never let on.

He get’s Dan’s boxers on, then they do the whole thing again with Dan’s sweatpants.

“This is so embarrassing,” Dan whispers. He hadn’t even meant to say it outloud, but it just escaped him.

“I’ve seen you naked before, Dan, it’s not a big deal.” Phil’s voice was soft, and so gentle, and Dan just wanted to melt into his arms right then. But, he couldn’t. He couldn’t because that’s not who they were anymore.

“Yeah, but I’m not naked and afraid on the toilet when you see me,” he says instead.

Phil ignores it. “Okay, how do you want to do the transfer?”

“At the hospital I was able to hold onto a bar and just slide from the toilet to the chair but-”

“There’s not enough room for that here,” Phil finished.

Dan nodded.

How about you lift yourself from that bar, then reach over to the one over here,” He said, pointing to the other bar across from the toilet. “And then you’ll be able to sit back in your chair.”

“What if the bars rip out from the wall?” Dan asked.

“These bars hold up to four hundred pounds, they’re not going to do that.”

“You don’t know for sure.”

Phil held onto the bar across from Dan and pulled at it a few times, leaning back so there would be a lot of pressure on the bar.

“See. It works fine.”

Dan nods, knowing that he needs to be rational about this. The bar won’t break.

It _won’t_.

But it might.

He held onto the one by the toilet anyway, deciding he’s not going to become even more of a burden to Phil. He tries to pull himself up enough to reach the other bar, but his hands are sweaty and slippery and he doesn’t have a good grip.

“Why don’t I help you this time and you can try next time?”

Dan wants to say no. He wants to yell and tell Phil to get out and that he can do it himself.

But, he doesn’t. He doesn’t say anything. He just nods.

“Alright, put your arms around me again.”

Dan does as he’s told and Phil wraps his arms around Dan’s waist, pulling him up and turning him so he can sit in his chair.

It’s the closest they’ve come to hugging in a month. It’s the closest Dan has been to Phil in over a month and, even though the situation could not be worse for him right now, Dan wished Phil would just hold him for a bit longer.

Phil didn’t though. He gently placed Dan back in his chair and stood up straight. “Do you need anything else?” He asked. He seemed hopeful, almost. Hopeful that Dan would say yes. Hopeful that there was something he could do. Hopeful that they could finally handle things together.

“I’m tired,” Is all Dan responded, beginning to wheel himself out of the bathroom. “I’m gonna go to bed.”

 

It’s almost nine o’clock when Dan woke up again, and the room is so dark that he struggles to get himself back into his chair. He managed though, and wheels himself out to the living room.

Phil is on the couch, legs crossed, with a bowl of what appears to be soup in his hands. He’s watching some anime series that Dan would’ve known if he’d looked at the TV long enough.

“Hey,” Phil said, giving Dan a brief smile. “How’d you sleep?”

“Fine, thanks,” Dan replied, continuing into the kitchen.

It’s the first time he’s noticed it, seeing as the last time he was in the kitchen he was busy arguing.

Phil had moved everything around in there. All the items that Dan ever needed or used, which were usually up high or far back, were all where Dan could reach.

Dan opened a few cupboards and saw that his food had been moved to lower spots as well.

He would have appreciated the gesture, but he still felt this nervousness and regret that he couldn’t let go of. He still felt that his time with Phil was now limited. And that prevented him from being able to be happy about anything.

 

Dan was able to make himself a bowl of cereal without any problems. Most of the stuff in the fridge was now on the lower shelves too, so Dan was even able to get his own milk. He felt sad that that was a high point in his life now.

The cereal isn’t his favorite kind, but it’s a close second. He wondered if Phil got it because he didn’t want to get the cereal Dan got injured over.

He quickly let those thoughts leave his mind.

With his cereal in his lap, Dan wheeled himself back into the living room. He and Phil sat silently, watching TV.

Phil glanced over to Dan to see what he was eating. It was a reflex with them. If they got food at different times, or made different things, they would always look to see what the other person had.

When Phil saw Dan was eating cereal, he froze.

He hadn’t expected to react like that. He was fairly sure it was a stupid reaction, especially since he was the one who bought the cereal and it wasn’t even the same one Dan got hurt over.

But, still, it made his mouth go dry and his heart race.

“Phil? Phil! What’s the matter with you?”

Phil jumped slightly. “What?”

“Why are you staring at me?”

“Oh. Oh, nothing. No reason. I just… nothing.”

When the show ended, Phil stood up and walked to the kitchen. “I’m gonna go get a shower,” he called out to Dan, disappearing upstairs and into the bathroom.

 

When Phil got out of the shower, he went straight to bed. It was only ten fifteen, so Dan knew something had to be wrong for him to sleep so early.

Phil had asked Dan if he needed to use the restroom before he went to bed, but Dan said no.

Phil also made sure to tell him to yell for him if he needed anything.

Dan nodded.

Phil went to bed without saying goodnight.

 

When Dan entered the bathroom at midnight, he had every intention of getting a shower. But, first, he had to pee.

It took half an hour for him to get on the toilet, use the restroom, and get back in his chair. But, he had done it. He was proud of himself, but also exhausted.

He decided it would be fine to go one night without a shower. God knows he’d done it before.

He rolled into his and Phil’s bedroom, locked his wheels, and prepared himself to get into bed. He was trying to be quiet. Phil was asleep, and this was the first time Dan ever had to do this with someone else in the bed.

Not to mention he was already worn out from using the restroom.

“Fuck!” He whispered as he failed to get himself into bed on the first try.

He tried again and succeeded, then grabbed his legs one by one and lifted them into the bed. “Shit,” He whispered as he laid back.

Even after two naps, he was ready to fall back to sleep again. Sleep was his escape from the world. It was where he could still walk, and where he and Phil were still happy.

He let himself go to sleep quickly, ignoring the ache in his chest.

 

When Dan woke up the next morning, he felt warm and cozy. It was a familiar feeling, but one he hadn’t felt in a long time.

When he opened his eyes, he knew why the feeling was so familiar.

Phil was snuggled up beside him, his arm thrown over Dan’s waist. It’s something Phil had always done in his sleep. He always loved cuddling pillows, but once he and Dan began sleeping in the same bed, Dan became his pillow.

They always used to laugh and joke about it. Dan would say how he felt used for his soft body, and Phil would reply that he just couldn’t help it and that Dan was a definite upgrade from a pillow.

A couple of tears rolled down Dan’s face, and he wasn’t sure if he was crying because of the memories, or because he hadn’t felt this close to Phil in a long time.

He drank in every second of it though. He didn’t know how much longer he had with the love of his life, his best friend, but he was going to let himself have this moment.

 

Dan laid there for half an hour, wishing time would stand still and they could stay like this forever.

_Why can’t he love me like this when he’s awake?_ Dan thought.

_Well, I guess I know why. I’m not a full fucking human anymore._

 

Dan knew the exact moment Phil woke up. His body became rigid. Dan closed his eyes, pretending to be sound asleep as Phil slowly moved himself away from Dan.

Dan listened as Phil stood up and walked out of the room, slowly shutting the door behind him.

Dan didn’t get up right away. He opened his eyes and let a few more tears fall before finally getting out of bed.

 

They got through most of the day by avoiding conversation, making up things that needed to be done in different rooms at different times, and watching TV. Dan took an hour long shower as well, even though he was finished after twenty minutes.

 

Things were going okay.

Well, not exactly _okay_ , but they were nearing dinner time without any arguments or issues.

That is, until a glass breaks.

 

Dan was in the kitchen. He just wanted a glass of milk. When he went to pick up the glass, he accidentally pushed it away from him, then was unable to just pick it up.

So, he leaned over until he was able to quickly shove the glass towards him.

He shoved too hard.

The glass flew off the counter and shattered all over the floor.

“Shit! Shit, shit, shit!” Dan repeated as he tried to bend over and pick up the bigger pieces.

Phil was in the kitchen within seconds. “What ha- Oh! Are you alright?”

“Yeah, I’m fine. Just this shitty glass decided to be a dick and break.”

“I’ll go get a broom.”

“No!” Dan yelled, a little more aggressively than he meant. “No, I’ve got it.”

“Dan, I can help. It’s not a problem. I’ll be right back.”

Dan turned around, some of the glass crunching into tinier pieces under his wheelchair. “I said I’ve got it,” he said with a glare.

“Dan, what the hell? Why won’t you let me help you?”

“Why the fuck do you care? You want me to be some sort of invalid or something?”

“Of course not!” Phil replied, his voice raising. “But it’s not going to make you an invalid if I help pick up broken glass. We’ve helped each other with stuff like this all the time before!”

“It’s different!” Dan yelled.

“No, it’s not! You’ve been so distant with me lately, Dan! I don’t know what I can or can’t do! I feel like I’m walking on eggshells all the time!”

Dan’s eyes widened. _“I’ve_ been distant? Me? Says the man who will only fucking touch me when he’s asleep!”

“I don’t know what you want from me, Dan! I didn’t hug you at first because I was afraid I’d hurt you, and by the time I realized I wouldn’t, you were barely speaking to me. You won’t let me help with anything, and on the off chance that I do help with something, you seem so angry afterward that you won’t even speak to me!”

“You had to fucking pull my pants up on the toilet, Phil! I’m sorry if I’m not thrilled about that! Would you like me to call you in every time I take a shit so you can wipe my ass? Would that make you feel better?!”

“If you needed help wiping your ass, then I’d do it!” Phil responded without hesitation. “I’d do anything for you, Dan, but you won’t let me do shit!”

Dan was surprised Phil actually used a curse word harsher than “ass.” He didn’t let that stop him from arguing back though.

“Of course I don’t want you to do shit when you don’t want to be around me!”

“I never said I didn’t want to be around you! You’re the one who always made me leave the room when you were having therapy or being taught how to do something new! I ended up going to three different doctors at the hospital to get information from them on how to help with the adjustments and learn the things I might have to do! I have fifty different pamphlets that I read over and over again every time I’d come home! I wouldn’t have had to go to all those meetings, and get all those pamphlets, if you’d just let me be a part of the recovery in some way!”

“You shouldn’t have to be a part of the fucking recovery, Phil! This isn’t your issue! You’re free to go at any time!”

That’s the moment Dan sees it. He sees all the anger drain from Phil’s face and in its place is sadness. It’s a sadness deeper than anything Dan has ever seen, and if he wasn’t so stubborn he’d say something about it or apologize.

It’s at this moment that Phil just can’t take it anymore. He has no desire to yell or argue or fight. He’s emotionally drained.

“I think I... I need to go,” Phil said. His voice was quiet. So quiet.

“Yeah, go ahead and leave me,” Dan replied. "I don't give a shit." He didn’t want to be mean, but that’s all that would come out. He was just so angry, and Phil was his only target.

“I’m not leaving _you_ , Dan,” Phil responded, his voice sounding desperate. Dan could see the tears that were very close to falling from Phil’s eyes. “I’m just… I’m just leaving. I’ll be back in a bit.”

Dan stayed in the kitchen until he heard the front door open and close. He stared ahead at where Phil had been standing. Surrounded by shattered glass, Dan realized that, for the first time in a month, he was completely alone.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The comments I have received so far have been so sweet! Thank you all so much!


	5. Chapter 5

After sitting motionless in the kitchen for about fifteen minutes, Dan took a deep breath. He wasn’t going to let Phil bother him, he decided. He left out of the kitchen, the sound of glass crunching under his chair, and went to get the broom.

He could clean the mess up all by himself. He _could._

Except, he couldn’t. He couldn’t because the broom was upstairs in a small closet with all their other cleaning supplies.

Dan sighed, then slowly rolled over to the coffee table and picked up the remote.

If he wasn’t able to do anything else, at least he could sit in his misery and watch TV.

 

Phil walked down the pavement, away from their flat and toward God only knows where.

Phil didn’t exactly have a destination in mind, he just needed to go.

As he walked, he thought back to the first time he and Dan had ever seen their new place.

_“What do you think?” Dan asked. The realtor had gone outside to take a call, letting Dan and Phil look around on their own._

_“I like it,” Phil replied with a nod, looking round the living room._

_“But?”_

_Phil looked over at Dan and could tell he was slightly worried. “No, no I really do like it. I just… I don’t know if I’d want to live here forever.”_

_“Who said we had to live here forever?” Dan asked._

_“Well, no one, really. I’d just like to settle down somewhere eventually.”_

_Dan walked over to Phil’s side and put his arms around Phil’s waist. “I do too,” he said as Phil moved his arm to Dan’s back, rubbing gently up and down. “But,” Dan added. “We both wanted to save a bit more money before buying a place. And we still have no idea where we want to live. We have a lot of searching to do still.”_

_“I know,” Phil replied. “I guess I’m just being a bit impatient.”_

_“You?” Dan asked sarcastically. “Never!”_

_Phil rolled his eyes and let go of Dan. “Shut up!” He said with a laugh._

_Dan laughed and gave Phil one last squeeze before letting go and walking toward the kitchen. “God, we’re getting so fucking cheesy, Phil.” He called out from the other room. “I’m gonna have to punch a wall to gain back my fragile masculinity.”_

_“Gain it back?” Phil teased, “But that would imply you had it in the first place, Danny!”_

_“Fuck you!” Dan replied, his laugh echoing through the house._

Phil wasn’t sure when he started crying, or when he sat down at a park bench, but here he was. He wiped the tears from his cheeks, hoping he hadn’t freaked out too many people.

Just a couple of months ago things were so much simpler. They were able to laugh and joke and speak their worries freely and clearly.

But, now they couldn’t seem to do that. Now they had bottled everything up so much that they couldn’t seem to just say the things that needed to be said.

_“I blame myself. That’s why I can’t get close to you. I’m afraid you really hate me and I don’t want you to hate me. I already hate myself enough.”_

That’s what Phil wanted to say. That’s what Phil had wanted to say for a month now. He was too scared though. He was too scared because if he said it, Dan might say that he’s right. And he’s just not sure if he could handle that.

 

Dan spent over an hour sitting and watching TV. Well, it was more like the TV was on and he sort of listened while his eyes were focused at the wall. He had so many thoughts running through his head, and he couldn’t seem to think straight.

He looked over at the staircase, then began to roll himself toward it.

_“This place still has like forty steps from the top floor to the bottom,” Dan whined as he carried a box up the first flight of stairs. “Why did we do this to ourselves again?”_

_“Because this time we don’t have to use them constantly. We’ll spend most of the time on the first floor anyway,” Phil replied._

_Dan walked toward their bedroom, expecting Phil to be there unpacking the box he had brought up earlier._

_He wasn’t._

_“Phil? Where the hell are you?”_

_“I’m upstairs.”_

_Dan rolled his eyes, “Be more specific, Phil!”_

_“I’m on the third floor,” Phil replied._

_Dan sighed, then walked out to the second set of stairs and began to climb up. “Walking exhausts me, Phil. I’m gonna be dead by forty.”_

_Dan looked around the room, then spotted Phil outside on the balcony, the doors wide open. “What are you doing? We’re supposed to be unpacking.”_

_“The sun’s setting,” Phil replied, keeping his eyes toward the sky._

_“Very good, Phil. That’s something the sun does every day. And, you know what? In the morning, it rises!”_

_Phil glared over at Dan, but the tiny smile on his face let Dan know he wasn’t actually annoyed._

_“It’s beautiful,” Phil responded, staring back out at their view._

_Dan looked out too, really taking in their new view for the first time. As sarcastic as he wished he could be, Dan couldn’t deny that it looked beautiful._

_“I like it out here,” Dan said, leaning against the railing._

_“We need to get a couple of chairs,” Phil said. “And we can sit out here every night and watch the sunset.”_

_“You know you’ll just get tired of doing it after a couple of days.”_

_“No, I won’t!” Phil defended, looking over at Dan. “We’re busy a lot and sometimes we don’t get to see each other all day when we’re editing or filming or whatever. We’ll make the time to do this. Come on, Dan,” Phil said, moving over toward Dan and nudging his shoulder. “Come on. Say you’ll do it.”_

_Dan grinned. “Okay, okay. Dan and Phil sunsets. That’s some gay shit Tumblr would love.”_

 

They had never missed a sunset since that first night. Even the night Dan got hurt, they sat out until the sun went down, then came in to get ready for Phil’s live show.

Dan missed it.

He missed it so much. He missed the sunset, he missed the second and third floor, he missed walking up and down the stairs, he missed Phil.

God, he missed Phil.

Dan wasn’t sure if it was because of the fight, or the memories, but an idea popped into his head and he couldn’t get it out.

He was going to get to the balcony.

_I don’t know if this is genius or top level stupidity,_ Dan thought as he locked the wheels on his chair. He held onto the handrail as he maneuvered himself out of his chair and onto the second step. He then leaned over and unlocked his wheels again.

“Alright,” he said to himself, “I’ll push myself up with one arm and hold onto the chair with the other.”

The chair was designed to be light, so Dan didn’t think he’d have any problem getting it up to the top floor. He’d push himself up a step, then roll the chair up a step.

He’d be fine.

 

“Seventeen,” He counted as he pushed himself up one more step. He rolled the chair up, his legs placed in between the wheels.

His arms were shaking, and he was sweating slightly. Rational thinking had not been a part of this decision, which is something he was just now beginning to think about.

He moved his arm back to the next step, “Eighteen,” he counted as he began to push himself up.

Dan did not expect his hand to slip on the stair, and he did not expect to react by letting go of the chair and placing his other hand down on the step to balance himself, but that’s what happened.

It’s also what caused the wheelchair to tumble down the staircase, loudly hitting the ground as it reached the bottom.

Dan looked down at the wheelchair in horror. It was lying on its side, one wheel spinning around and around. Dan stared at it, in shock, until the wheel came to a complete stop.

He didn’t know what to do.

He was eighteen steps away from the bottom of the stairs, and he had never felt so high in his life.

He was never one to be scared of heights, but now he was terrified.

He couldn’t go back down. He couldn’t risk falling down the stairs like his chair just did.

Using both arms, he pushed himself to the top of the staircase and sat himself up against the wall. He leaned over, putting his elbows on his thighs and his head in his hands.

Not knowing what to do, he began to cry. It wasn’t a gentle, silent cry. It was a heavy, loud, sobbing cry, and he couldn’t stop.

 

It was almost seven o’clock when Phil stood up and began walking back home. He knew he couldn’t stay gone for long, and he knew he wanted to apologize and get everything out in the open.

He shouldn’t have left. That’s what he kept telling himself. He should have let them keep fighting until everything was out in the open.

So, that’s what he was going back to do now. He hoped that maybe they could get through another round without yelling but, if they couldn’t, he’d stay anyway.

It turns out Phil had walked for quite a while, because it took him a half hour to get back home.

He took a deep breath as he unlocked the door to the flat, letting it out slowly to try and calm himself.

“Dan?” He called out gently, opening the door.

No answer.

“Dan, where are you?” He asked again. He really hoped Dan wasn’t giving him the silent treatment.

He walked toward the kitchen and stopped when he saw that glass was still everywhere.

“Dan?” He called out again, more worried this time. He hadn’t even heard a noise since he entered the house.

He was starting to walk toward their bedroom when he froze. There was Dan’s chair, toppled over, at the bottom of the staircase.

“Dan!” He called louder, rushing over to the chair. He looked up and saw Dan at the top of the stairs. "Oh my God!"

Dan had his head resting back against the wall now, his eyes closed as he cried. His sobs were coming out as little hiccups now, like he couldn’t properly catch his breath.

Phil hurried up the stairs. “Dan, what did you do?”

“I was- I just wa- wanted to get to the balcony.”

Phil sat down beside Dan and wrapped his arms around him, holding him close. “Why did you want to get to the balcony?” Phil asked, his heart skipping a beat at the possible reason.

“Cause that’s what w- we always used to d- do.”

“How long have you been up here?”

“I don’t know,” Dan replied, wiping the tears from his face. “Like an hour.”

“Oh my God. I’m sorry, Dan. I’m so, so sorry.”

“What for?”

“For leaving. For being distant. For you getting hurt. Everything.”

Dan pulled back from Phil’s hug and stared at him, his eyebrows furrowed. “For me getting hurt? What did you have to do with that?”

“I ate your cereal. That’s why you went. It’s my fault.”

Dan wiped his face again. He wasn’t crying as hard anymore, but a few stray tears still fell.

“Fuck, Phil, is that what you’ve been thinking this whole time?”

Phil shrugged. “It’s the truth.”

“Phil, you idiot!” Dan replied, lightly pushing his shoulder. “You didn’t do anything wrong. The stupid fuck that hit me with their car did. You ate my cereal. You _always_ eat my cereal! You wouldn’t be you if you didn’t eat it!”

“You really don’t blame me?” Phil asked, his blue eyes filled with unshed tears.

“You complete, utter, baboon. Come here,” Dan said, opening his arms.

Phil wrapped his arms around Dan’s waist and they squeezed each other tight.

“This whole time,” Dan began as Phil rested his head on Dan’s shoulder. “This whole fucking time I thought you just didn’t want to be by me cause you wanted to leave and just didn’t know how.”

Phil would have looked up at him at this point, but Dan’s head was on top of his, and neither of them were willing to let the other go. “Dan, I don’t care if the only thing you could move was your eyebrows, I’d still be here.”

Dan laughed, tears filling his eyes again. “We’re like a friggin’ soap opera. I might throw up.”

“I don’t care,” Phil replied.

They held each other for a few minutes, just enjoying the closeness they had been craving for a month now.

Eventually, Dan slowly let go of Phil, and Phil sat up beside him. Both of their eyes were red and puffy, but they looked happier than they had in a long time.

“I do have to tell you something though. While we're being open and honest and shit.” Dan said. “It’s super embarrassing but I need you to know.”

Phil took a deep breath. “Okay. What?”

“I still don’t know if I can, um, if I can have. I don’t know about sex yet,” He rushed out, looking down at his hands.

“Oh,” Phil replied, relieved that it wasn’t something much worse.

“I mean, I did find out that I can get the, um, the reflex ones. Cause, you know, mornings. But, I haven’t exactly felt- oh, God, this is a nightmare- I haven’t felt _aroused_ in a while seeing as,” He motioned down to his legs. “Well, you know.”

“That’s fine,” Phil replied with a shrug. “The doctor said there are things that can help with that problem if you need it.”

“Yeah, but I just,” Dan looked down at his hands again, twiddling his thumbs together. “I don’t want you to want something that I might not be able to do cause what if it doesn’t work and _I_ don’t work and-”

“Whoa, whoa, whoa,” Phil interrupted. “Dan, I just said I’d be with you if you could only move your eyebrows. I’m not some horny teenager that needs sex to live. Whatever we can or can’t do, we’ll figure it out. It’s not a problem, Dan. Seriously.”

Dan nodded. “Okay.” He looked over at Phil to see Phil’s bright blue eyes staring back at him. Dan wanted to swim in them, they looked so beautiful. “Can you hug me again?” He asked quietly.

Phil smiled. “Of course,” He said, already wrapping Dan in his arms.

They hugged for over a minute, only parting for Phil to reach up and place a hand on Dan’s cheek, his thumb softly rubbing back and forth. They stared at each other for a moment before Phil leaned in and gave him a gentle kiss.

When they parted, Phil looked down the staircase at the wheelchair. “Okay, so what were you trying to do again?”

Dan sighed. “I wanted to get to the balcony because it’s where we would always go. I just thought it might make me feel more like me again.”

Phil nodded, then stood up. “Alright. Let’s do it then,” He said, walking down the stairs to get Dan’s chair.

Dan was confused. “What?”

“Let’s do it!” Phil said from the bottom of the staircase. He held Dan’s chair as he climbed back up the stairs. “If you feel like it, that is.”

“Are you sure?” Dan asked as Phil put the chair down beside him.

“Of course I am. How’d you get up to this point anyway?” Phil asked.

“Adrenaline and stupidity?” Dan answered. “And I pushed myself up with one arm and held onto my chair with the other. Until I neared the top, that is.”

“Well, why don’t you get in your chair and we’ll go to the staircase. Then, I’ll carry the chair up and you can push yourself up with both hands this time.”

Dan thought for a moment. A flash of fear overcame him, thinking he’ll be too much of a burden. He lets that feeling go, and nods. “Okay. Yeah, let’s fucking do this!”

Phil clapped his hands together, “Yeah! I’m freaking pumped up!”

Dan laughed. His big laugh where his eyes crinkle and his body shakes. God, Phil’s missed that. “Those are not words that should come from your mouth, Phil!”

 

It took twenty minutes for them to get up to the third floor. Dan had gotten halfway up by himself, but needed some help with the last ten steps. Phil ended up wrapping his arms around him from behind, and helping to lift him up each step.

Dan still got slightly embarrassed for needing the help, but he pushed those thoughts back and focused on getting to the balcony.

 

When they reached the balcony, Dan asked to be moved to one of the garden chairs. His wheelchair sat up higher than the garden chair, and he wanted to be on the same level as Phil. That way they could sit back, hold hands, and relax together.

They sat in silence for a while, just staring out at the view and watching the sky change. Phil’s thumb would rub absentmindedly across Dan’s hand, and Dan would occasionally give Phil’s hand a squeeze.

After about ten minutes, Dan broke the silence. “Phil?”

“Yeah?” Phil asked, turning to look at Dan.

“I think we need to move.”

Dan knew it was ridiculous to worry, because Phil would never do it, but he was afraid he’d get an “I told you so!” or “I tried to do that before!”

But, Phil simply nodded, then looked back out at the sky. He squeezed Dan’s hand and softly replied, “We’ll start looking tomorrow.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> You guys are the best! If you'd like to follow for updates on this story, I post everything on my tumblr: softgolftechniques. It's a super weird name, I know, but I loved the Dan and Phil golfing videos lol! Anyway, feel free to follow and talk to me on there :)
> 
> Also, thank you endlessly for the wonderful comments!


	6. Chapter 6

They spent hours talking that night. Out on the balcony, downstairs on the couch and, when they decided to go to bed around two o’clock in the morning, they laid down with their hands folded together between them and continued to talk.

Sometimes the conversations would be hard to get through. They never argued, they just voiced the concerns they had during the month they barely spoke. It was hard for Phil to hear about how Dan thought he didn’t want to be with him. Dan had known in the back of his mind that those thoughts were irrational, but that didn’t stop him from having them.

It was also hard for Dan to hear all the worries Phil had during that time. How he went to so many classes by himself to try and figure out what he should or shouldn’t do. How, because Dan was distant, he thought he should be distant too.

It was truly just a failure to communicate all around. One person’s actions caused the other person’s reactions, and it went around and around.

It cost them both a month of pain and heartache that they didn’t need, but they couldn’t take that back now.

Now, they could move forward, and that’s what they were going to do.

 

They spent the next week making up for lost time. They cuddled each other again, kissed, laughed, loved. 

Things never went too far. They needed this time to just figure each other out again. It was like starting over, and going back to when they had just met. A time when lying in bed and staring at each other with their hands intertwined was enough to make them blush.

 

The only time they left the house was to go to Dan’s physical therapy session. It was the first time Phil would be joining him, and he was excited.

Well, maybe excited wasn’t the right word. But, he was happy to be included now and get a better understanding of the things Dan was learning.

Dan had been talkative on the way to therapy. Phil could tell he was nervous too, by the way he kept rubbing his hands on his jeans to get rid of the sweat.

The way home was different though. Dan was quiet. He had become quiet about halfway through his therapy session, and hadn’t said a word since he told the therapist goodbye.

Phil didn’t push the issue while they were in public, but he knew he’d have to ask what was wrong once they were in their flat. If there was a problem, Dan didn’t need to try and figure it out on his own. They could work it out together.

 

“That was an interesting session,” Phil said as he closed and locked the door behind them.

Dan nodded.

“I’m glad I got to go. I learned a lot.”

Dan nodded again, wheeling himself over to the couch. He locked his wheels and transferred himself over to to the couch, then picked up the remote.

“Wait,” Phil said, walking over to the couch and sitting down. Phil knew that if Dan turned on the TV, he would never get to know what was wrong. Not until Dan had held it in for so long that it came out like an explosion.

Phil gently squeezed Dan’s shoulder, getting Dan to look over at him.

“What’s up?” Phil asked, resting his arm on the back of the couch.

“I just wanna watch some TV,” Dan replied, fiddling with the remote.

“That’s not what I mean, Dan. What’s wrong? You’ve been quiet for a while now.”

Dan rolled his eyes, “Sorry I can’t be twenty-four hour entertainment, Philly. I’ll try harder.”

Phil gave Dan a pleading look. “Dan, please, don’t do this. Just talk to me.”

Dan sighed. He leaned his head back against the couch and looked over at Phil. “I’m gonna sound like a fucking baby.”

“I don’t care,” Phil replied, scooting a little closer to Dan so he could take his hand. 

Dan used his free hand to push himself up, so he was sitting up straighter than before. 

“Therapy sessions kind of hurt, and it bothers me.”

“What do you mean?” Phil asked. “What hurts?”

“I know I’m getting stronger,” Dan said. “But, therapy is a straight hour of using muscles that I don’t think I’ve ever used before and it kills my arms and shoulders. It makes me feel fucking useless and it hurts like a bitch.”

“Oh. I- I hadn’t thought about that. I’m sure it does hurt.”

Suddenly, Phil got up and left the room, leaving a very confused Dan on the couch. “Okay. Great talk, Phil!” He yelled.

Phil was back in under a minute, holding a bottle of lotion.

“What are you doing?” Dan asked.

“Can you get down on the floor? I can sit behind you on the couch.”

Dan stared at Phil. “I ask again, what are you doing?”

“I’m going to give you a shoulder massage.” He shrugged, “Well, a shoulder and arm massage. Or whatever hurts.”

“Phil, I… I don’t think we’ve ever massaged each other before. Honestly, it sounds a bit creepy.”

“Well, if you’ve never had one of my massages then you don’t know what you’re missing, do you, Danny? I’ve been told I have magical hands.”

Dan laughed. “By who?”

Phil crossed his arms. “Madonna… Once… In a dream.”

Dan laughed harder now, holding onto his stomach as he tried to calm himself down.

“Come on,” Phil said, laughing slightly himself. “Whether I’m a good at it or not, you’ll feel better than you do now.”

Dan just stared at him again.

Phil waved the lotion bottle around. “Come on, Danny boy. You know you want your boy Philly’s magical Madonna hands on your body.”

Dan cringed. “If I do it will you never speak of your magical hands again?” He asked, although he would eventually agree to the massage either way. He was desperate at this point. 

“Sure. Now get on the floor, whip off that shirt, and let Luscious Lester get to work.”

“Oh for Christ’s sake!”

 

It’s another week before they find out that the rest of Dan’s body works just fine.

They hadn’t really meant to, but they were in bed, just staring at each other. Then staring turned to kissing, and kissing turned into… Well, more than kissing.

It was like their first time all over again. It was a little awkward, and they were both nervous. Phil’s heart was beating so fast at one point that Dan stopped him for a second and just held his hand over his chest.

“You really do need to exercise more,” Dan joked, lightening the mood.

Phil laughed, hiding his face in Dan’s shoulder. “I’m working on that now,” He replied.

“Oh my God, Phil, that’s the most ridiculous thing you’ve ever said!”

Even through their fumbles, and having to figure out different ways of doing things, they couldn’t deny that it was also amazing and perfect.

 

The morning after, they’re both lying in bed. They’re wide awake, just enjoying the silence with one another. Phil is pressed against Dan, his arm lazily wrapped around Dan’s waist. Dan has his arm around Phil’s back, making small circles with his fingertips.

“I think I want to film a video,” Dan said, breaking the silence.

Phil stiffened for the briefest second, then relaxed again. He lifted his head to look at Dan. “Are you sure?” He asked. 

Dan took a deep breath. “Yeah. I think so. Do you think it’s a bad idea?”

Phil shook his head. “No, no, not at all. Whatever you want to do, I support it. You just haven’t touched technology- except for the remote- since the accident.”

Dan nodded. “I know. I just… I feel ready this morning. Does that sound stupid?”

“No, it doesn’t.”

“I mean, I thought about just tweeting something but I’d rather not have a limit to what I can say.”

“That makes sense,” Phil agreed.

“And I know you want to start making videos again, too. You made any since I got hurt.”

Phil moved his hand to Dan’s chest. “Hey, don’t do this for me,” He said softly. “I have been fine. Do it only if you want to.”

Dan nodded, looking away from Phil to stare up at the ceiling. Phil returned his head to rest beside Dan’s shoulder.

After a moment, Dan took another deep breath. “I’m ready,” He said, confident in his decision.

Phil didn’t let on. He simply gave Dan a kiss on the shoulder. Piece by piece, Dan was returning, and Phil couldn’t have been happier.

 

Dan decided to film in the new gaming room, seeing as that was supposed to be his filming room in the first place. 

He’s able to get most of the equipment ready himself, but he does need Phil’s help setting up the lighting, and making sure the camera is back far enough on the desk to be able to get a wide shot.

“Okay, leave me to it, Hoe,” Dan said as Phil pressed the record button for him.

“Let me know if you need anything,” Phil said, giving Dan a quick kiss on the cheek before leaving the room.

“You just left me with more editing to do, you needy bitch!” Dan yelled, although his wide smile gave away his lack of annoyance.

 

“Hello, Internet! I know what some of you are thinking. ‘Dan, where have you been? It’s been so long, you fucking asshole!’ However, if you really know me, you’re probably thinking, ‘You mean he’s updating after only being away for a couple of months? This is fucking impressive.’ Either way, I figured I’d explain.”

The camera zoomed out to show he was sitting in a wheelchair. “Phil shot me. It’s a shocker, I know, but I told you none of you really know him the way I do. We’re still housemates though, so don’t freak out or anything.”

The camera zoomed back in. “Okay, really though, this video is gonna be shit cause I’m pretty much doing it all in one take and I can’t be bothered to be creative. Truth is, I suck at crossing roads, apparently. Or maybe the guy that hit me with his car just sucks at driving.”

Dan stared directly into the camera. “Oh, yeah, by the way, I was hit by a  _ fucking _ car!” The camera zoomed unnecessarily close to his eyeball, then zoomed back out.

“I was going to the store, blah blah blah, you know this part from Phil’s live show. Anyway, I don’t know if I was coming or going but apparently a car was in a rush to get somewhere and smacked right into me. I know, rude, right? Anyway, the car kept going, but I did not.”

Dan took a deep breath. 

“Flash fucking forward to waking up in the hospital and finding out that not only was I hit by a car, but I’m also paralyzed, cause life just loves to fuck you up when you least expect it.”

There were some firework explosions with sounds of kids screaming “Yay!”

“Now, again, I know what you’re thinking. ‘Dan, how can you be so cool about this? How are you making jokes?’ Well, I can assure you that over the past couple of months I have shed enough emo tears to last a lifetime. I can also assure you that they will not be the last emo tears I ever shed. However, I can’t do that all the time, so I fill the void by making self-deprecating jokes.”

He held up a finger, “Speaking of jokes, let’s have a small look back on all the times I joked about walking for lolz.”

The camera gently faded out to a white screen, then came back with outtakes from some of his older videos.

_ “I can’t be bothered to use my legs today!” _

_ “I don’t want to walk upstairs for this!” _

_ “Well, who needs fucking legs anyway?” _

_ “My body is useless. I am a worm.” _

_ “Snakes have it so easy, Phil. They just slither. I want to slither.” _

_ “I’m never getting up from my crease. I will remain here until my death.” _

The video cut back to Dan, who was giving a wide-eyed stare at the camera. “Karma’s just like, ‘Fuck you, bitch!’”

The camera zoomed out slightly, making Dan’s wheelchair more visible. “Moving on! I know you guys probably all want Phil to come on here and give some shitty speech like he usually would or something, cause God knows he’s an uplifting fuck, but I won’t allow it, alright? I can’t let him be within hearing distance when I’m going to be saying nice things about him.”

There’s a quick cut in the clip and Dan continues. “Now, I’m not gonna lie, these past couple of months have been tough. But, Phil has basically bent over backwards to be there for me. He’s had to help me in ways I never thought I’d have to be helped, and he’s never let on about any of it. This is a whole new world for both of us, and we’re still working it all out, but I don’t think I could have gotten to this point if it weren’t for him. If any of you tell him I said this, I’ll find you and I’ll murder you in your sleep. I’ll roll over you with my chair, I don’t give a shit.”

There’s another cut and the camera has zoomed out a little more. “I don’t want you guys to be all depressed and sad when this video ends, alright? It’s not all bad. I got a sweet new ride out of it all,” He said, tapping the wheels of his chair. “And I’m gonna live, so that’s something! So, drink some water, stay hydrated, and look both ways before crossing the street. Bye!”

 

Dan cracked his knuckles nervously as the video ended. “What’d you think?” He asked, looking over at Phil.

Phil looked over at him, smiling. He’s got tears in his eyes, but he won’t let them fall. “I think it’s perfect. Very you.”

Dan ignored the fact he could see Phil welling up. If he allowed himself to notice it, he’d cry too. “Upload it then?” He asked.

Phil nodded. “Upload it.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Tumblr: softgolftechniques
> 
> You guys are the best! Can't thank you enough for the comments, kudos, and bookmarks!


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A little bit happy, a little bit sad!

The video got well over a million views in record time. Afterward, Dan spent about a half hour on twitter, looking at what people were saying. He didn’t respond to anyone, not feeling up to it yet. The only thing he posted was his video, then a message thanking people for worrying.

He tried to ignore all the invasive questions, but it was a little impossible to do. He’s sure everyone meant well, but asking him how he feels knowing he’ll never walk again wasn’t something he felt like thinking about.

After reading questions like those a few too many times, he shut off his phone and spent the rest of the evening curled up by Phil on the couch, watching movies.

 

After a week of searching for flats online, Dan and Phil talked to their realtor and began to actually go out looking at them.

“Now, this one is on the first floor, and it’s a one floor flat,” their realtor, Joe, said as they made their way toward the entrance.

“That sounds good,” Phil noted, looking down at Dan.

Dan nodded.

Joe opened the door and began to walk in. He stopped abruptly, causing Dan to almost knock him over with his chair.

“Oh, sorry!” Joe said. “It’s um… It’s-”

“A shithole,” Dan finished, looking around the place.

“That’s a good word for it,” Joe responded. “I apologize. I hadn’t had time to visit this place beforehand, but I was assured that it looked better than, well, this.”

The entire place had been trashed. There was garbage all over the floor, paint splattered on the walls, and what appeared to be cat feces all around.

“I don’t think the smell would ever come out of this place,” Phil said, holding a hand over his nose.

“It seems to get worse the longer we’re in here,” Dan replied. “It burns.”

They left the flat rather quickly.

 

“Okay, I did have a chance to go in this one. It was very clean, but I’m not sure about the size,” Joe said as they walked up to the front door.

Even the entryway was small. So small that Phil had to push Dan through the doorway, because his fingers would have gotten caught had he done it.

The flat was very clean, but it was also-

“So, so tiny,” Dan noted as he wheeled himself through the living room and kitchen, which was all one room, barely larger than their old gaming room.

“I don’t know if we could fully stretch out in here,” Phil said. He walked over to a door that was hidden when the front door was open. It led to a bedroom, which was about half the size of the one they were in now.

“Oh… Wow,” Phil said, failing to hide his shock.

Dan rolled up behind him and Phil moved forward so Dan could see. “How is it so small?” Dan asked.

“Well, the other room is slightly bigger,” Joe replied, although the look on his face didn’t seem so reassuring. 

“Are there only two bedrooms?” Dan asked.

“Afraid so.”

“I don’t think this place is going to work out,” Phil said, still looking around the incredibly small bedroom.

“Yeah,” Dan agreed. “I’d rather not risk my fingers getting squeezed off anytime I went through the front door anyway.”

Joe nodded. “Alright. Onto our next stop!”

 

It took ten minutes for them to get to the next flat. This one was located on the fifth floor of a very large, very old building. 

“This flat is all on one floor as well.” Joe informed them on the lift ride up. “There’s a balcony too, so that seems like a nice extra.”

They exited the lift and headed down the hall, stopping when they reached number 59. Joe unlocked and opened the door and they walked inside.

It was a very spacious flat, with a wide open living room right as you walked in. To the right of the living room was a kitchen. It was separated from the living room, but there was no door and it had a wide entryway. 

The flat had four bedrooms and two baths, and it was basically perfect for them.

The balcony was amazing as well. With this view they’d be able to see farther out than they could now.

Every room had wide enough entryways for Dan to enter and exit easily, and the rooms were all large enough for both Dan and Phil’s comfort.

“This place is lovely,” Phil said, walking around the living room.

“It’s incredible,” Dan agreed.

“I thought you two might like it,” Joe replied. “I’ll step out and let you both look around again. I’ll be back.”

As Joe left the apartment, Dan wheeled himself over to Phil, who was now staring out the living room window. 

“What are you thinking?” Dan asked.

“Nothing,” Phil said, shaking his head. “Just a pretty view.”

“You. Are. Lying. To me, Phillip Lester,” Dan replied, poking Phil’s side with each word.

Phil grabbed onto his side, laughing. “Okay, stop, stop!” He begged, turning to face Dan. His smile slowly faded. “I’m a bit worried, is all.”

“About?”

“It’s going to sound silly.”

“I don’t care. Tell me.”

“What if something happened to the lift? What if it broke or something? Or what if there was a fire and we couldn’t use the lift? What would we do?”

“I know we’re lazy, Phil, but if there was a fire we’d use the stai-” Dan realized what Phil meant in that moment. “Oh.”

Phil nodded. “Yeah. Oh. I mean, I know you’re getting stronger, Dan, and there’s no way I’d let you burn in a fire. We’d figure something out, I’d just rather-”

“No, no, you’re right,” Dan interrupted. “Now that I’m thinking about it, it’s freaking me the fuck out. Let's go.”

Dan began to wheel himself toward the door.

Phil sighed, following behind. “I didn’t mean to scare you, Dan. I’m sorry.”

Dan stopped and turned back toward Phil. “I’m not upset with you. I’m agreeing with you, Phil.”

“I know, but now we have to go home to a flat with the exact same problem as this. Except we’re higher up there.”

“Oh, fuck,” Dan said, becoming paler. “I never thought about that. Fuck.”

“I just made it worse, didn’t I?”

Dan could see how upset Phil looked, so he reached out his hands for Phil to take. When Phil did, Dan pulled him down for a brief kiss. “You’ve been worried about this since I got hurt, haven’t you?” He asked as he let Phil go.

“A little bit, yes.”

“And you didn’t tell me because?”

“I didn’t want you to worry too. But with us moving now, I just-”

“Phil?”

“Yeah?”

“Thank you.”

Phil looked confused. “For what?”

“Just… thank you.”

“Oh. You’re welcome? I guess?”

Dan smiled at him. “Now, let’s get the fuck out of this place. I’m sure we’ll find something we like today.”

 

They didn’t. 

There was not one flat that matched their needs. There were a couple of almosts, but nothing that felt right.

“What about the places Phil saw when I was in the hospital?” Dan asked.

“I’m sorry,” Joe replied. “Those were all grabbed up so fast.”

They were all standing outside of Dan and Phil’s apartment. It was nearing seven-thirty and they’d spent the entire day looking at flats. 

“Thank you for all your help, Joe,” Phil said, reaching out and shaking his hand. 

“No problem. Really.” He shook Dan’s hand. “I’ll keep looking for more places for you two. I’ll let you know.”

Dan nodded. “Thanks.”

Joe walked back toward his car and Dan and Phil went inside.

They were quiet the entire ride up to their floor. They were both tired, and hungry, and a little scared.

“I should have listened to you,” Dan said as they went into their apartment.

“What do you mean?” Phil asked. 

“When you wanted to move before. I should have listened.”

“Hey, don’t worry about that. We’ll find something. We’ve only gone out looking once now.”

“But what if we don’t? All of London’s flats are so odd. What if there isn’t one that fits our needs?”

Phil shrugged. “Then, we’ll look somewhere else. We could look outside of London.”

“What do you mean?”

“I mean… Can we move from the doorway to talk about this? I’d like to sit down.”

Dan turned and headed for the couch. Phil locked Dan’s wheels for him with his foot as he passed by, then Dan slipped out of his chair and onto the couch.

Phil sat beside him and Dan lifted his legs so they rested over Phil’s lap.

“Okay, go,” Dan said.

“I think… I think now would be a good time to… to, maybe, look into buying a place,” He said, making creases in Dan’s jeans instead of looking at Dan.

Dan wasn’t sure what to say. “A- Are you serious, Phil?” He asked. He wasn’t upset, just genuinely curious.

Phil nodded, looking over at Dan. “Yes, I am. I know we were going to wait a while longer and save some more money, but if we’re being honest, we have plenty of money now to buy a place outside of London. We don’t like all the noise here anyway. I mean, this place is quieter, but no place in London is really quiet. Plus, if we buy a place we won’t just be wasting money on rent, but we’ll actually be paying toward owning our own home.”

Dan’s eyes were wide. “Shit, Phil, how long have you been thinking about this?”

Phil shrugged. “Sometimes I can’t sleep so I just lie in bed and… imagine.”

“You imagine us owning a home together?” Dan asked, unable to help the small smile creeping up on his face.

Phil nodded.

“You sap!” Dan exclaimed. “You’re imagining our whole future! You like me!” He teased.

Phil smirked at him. “Dan, we’ve been together for almost a decade!”

“You really, really like me!”

“Well, you know how Stockholm Syndrome works, Dan, I can’t help myself.”

“Oh!” Dan said, holding a hand over his heart. “That hurts, Phil. That hurts.”

Phil rolled his eyes, gently lifting Dan’s legs so he could get up. “I’m going to make dinner.”

As Phil passed by, Dan grabbed onto his wrist.

“Let’s start looking for  _ houses  _ tomorrow.”

Phil smiled widely. “Really?” He asked, looking like a puppy about to get a new toy.

“Yes, really, you baboon.”

Phil leaned down, cupped Dan’s face in his hands, and gave him a kiss. “I’m going to make an even better dinner than before!” He said, a new life in his steps as he walked to the kitchen.

Dan rolled his eyes, but smiled. He couldn’t help but feel excited too. They’d finally have a forever home. He laid back on the couch and closed his eyes, letting himself imagine his and Phil’s future.

 

They laid in bed that night, hands folded between them, both staring up at the ceiling.

“Everyone will definitely know we’re together once we move,” Dan said.

Phil nodded. “Yeah. They would have known eventually anyway. We would’ve bought a home in a couple of years.”

“I know. I like it being only us who knows though.” He turned his head to look at Phil and smiled, “It’s been fun.”

Phil looked over at him, only able to see him from the street light that dimly shined through their window. “Yeah, it has been. We managed it for quite a few years.”

“I guess that depends on who you ask,” Dan replied with a laugh. “A lot of people have had us figured out from the start.”

“Yeah, but they were all just guessing. None of them really  _ knew _ . That was just for us.”

“Are you okay with it not being just for us anymore?”

Phil turned onto his side, letting go of Dan’s hand so he could wrap his arm around Dan’s waist. “Yeah, I really am. Like I said, they would have known in a couple more years anyway. Besides, they won’t know  _ everything _ about us still.”

“Like the fact you only let me sleep with you because I make a good pillow?” Dan asked, wrapping his arm around Phil’s back and pulling him even closer.

Phil smiled into Dan’s shoulder, his eyes closing. “Exactly.”

 

They spent the next day inside, still recovering from an entire day of running around. It was the most eventful day Dan had had since he got hurt, and Phil could tell he was tired and sore.

The only person they spoke to that day, besides each other, was Joe. They called him that morning and asked him to look for houses to buy outside of London, which he happily obliged to.

They ordered pizza online that evening, and sat on the couch together and ate while watching TV.

“Do you want another drink? I’m going to get me some water,” Phil said, pausing their show.

“Yes, please,” Dan replied, holding up his cup for Phil to take.

As Phil got up, he accidentally pressed a button on the remote, causing the channel to change to the news.

“Phil, you total flop,” Dan joked.

“Ugh! I’ll fix it when I get back,” Phil responded, continuing into the kitchen.

Dan pushed himself up so he was sitting a bit straighter and picked up his phone to keep himself occupied while Phil was gone.

Something on the TV made his head shoot back up. The reporter was on location at the scene of a hit and run. For some reason, Dan couldn’t tear his eyes away from the screen or stop listening to the report.

_ “While the young girl was hit fairly hard, she did not sustain any life threatening injuries and is expected to leave the hospital within a few hours.” _

_ “Thank you, Jessica,” The news anchor responded, the screen splitting between the two of them. “Now, we’ve received word that they do have the man who hit her in custody, is that correct?” _

_ “That is correct, Tom. They caught him one hour later because of a few good samaritans who followed him around with their own vehicles. It appears he was driving under the influence.” _

_ “And where was this young girl going when she was injured?” _

_ “She and her mother were headed to the store to pick up a few items for dinner.” _

_ Tom shook his head. “Such a shame. Thankfully she is alright, and we wish her family the best. Now onto-” _

“Dan! Dan!” Dan was broken out of his trance by Phil, who was now standing in front of him looking very worried. “What happened, Dan? What’s wrong?” Phil asked. As he sat down, Dan looked over to see the drinks were already on the coffee table. Apparently, he had been there for a little while.

“I had bought the cereal already,” Dan replied blankly.

“What are you talking about, Dan?”

The memories had hit Dan like a ton of bricks.

There wasn’t much there. A couple of flashes. But, it was enough. Enough to make him want to curl into a ball and cry for a few hours.

“I was on my way back home from the store,” he said, looking over at Phil’s very concerned face.

“When the accident happened?”

“Yes, Phil, when the idiot hit me with his fucking car!” Dan yelled. He hated this. This was not like him at all. His eyes were filled with tears, and he pushed his hands up to them to wipe them away before they could fall.

“Hey, Dan, it’s okay. It’s alright.”

Dan moved his hands away from his face, his eyes now red. He looked down to see that Phil was gently rubbing his leg, trying to soothe him. 

That made it worse.

“I can’t even feel that,” He said, leaning over. He rested his elbows on his thighs and his head in his hands.

Phil moved off the couch and kneeled down beside Dan, now comforting him by rubbing his back. “Dan, it’s going to be alright. What brought this on?”

“Th- The news reporter. They were talking about a hit and run and it just flashed in my head.”

Phil reached over with his free hand and turned off the TV. “I’m so sorry, Dan.”

“I bought you a Kinder egg, too!” Dan cried out loudly. It would have been humorous if it was under a different circumstance.

Phil was even more confused now. “What?” He asked, keeping his voice soft.

Dan took in a deep, shaky breath and finally looked up. His whole face was red and tears still fell down his cheeks. “I told you I’d get you a surprise and I did. I bought you a Kinder egg!”

“Well, we don’t need to worry about that.”

“But you’ll never get to know what’s inside.”

“Dan, they’ll be other Kinder eggs.” Phil continued to rub Dan’s back. “I don’t think this is really about that, though, is it?” He asked.

“Of course it is, Phil!” Dan replied, becoming angry. “Of course that’s what it’s about!”

Phil just stared at him. “Dan.”

The fact that Phil’s voice remained so soft and calm made Dan crumble. He turned slightly to wrap his arms around Phil, holding him close as he cried.

“I’ll never walk again, Phil!” He cried into Phil’s neck.

“I know, Dan,” Phil replied, knowing he couldn’t hand out false hope right now. 

“I’ll never stand. I’ll never be tall again.”

“Dan, you’ll always be tall.”

“No, I won’t. I always joked about being too tall and this is what I get.”

Phil hugged him tighter. “Dan, this didn’t happen because of any jokes. It just… It just happened.”

“Fuck,” Dan whispered. He seemed to be calming down slightly. “Just fuck. I hate this, I hate this.”

Phil wasn’t sure if Dan was talking about the fact he was paralyzed, or his current emotions about it, or both, but he didn’t press.

“Here, let me hold you properly,” Phil said, letting go of Dan so he could get on the couch. Dan scooted forward a bit so Phil had room to sit behind him, then he leaned over into Phil’s arms, resting his head on Phil’s shoulder.

Dan’s eyes began to droop almost immediately, the outburst taking a toll on him.

“I’m sorry I can’t fix it, Dan,” Phil whispered, his own eyes filling with tears now. He ran a hand through Dan’s hair. “I love you.”

Dan snuggled closer, letting out a half-asleep reply. “Love you.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading! Leave a comment to let me know what you think. For those who comment regularly: Thank you so much!!


	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm not a gamer, so I made up a version of a game I know a teeny tiny bit about! It's ridiculous but it's possible it exists!  
> Also, if you've seen the latest AmazingPhil video (a true blessing), you might've heard Dan make a joke about walking. I was surprised when I heard that cause I had just posted that chapter a couple days before!

The next week had its ups and downs. Dan would be extremely happy one day, his laughter so loud that Phil swore all of London could hear it, and then the next day he would never smile at all. 

Phil knew part of the problem had to be that he was basically holed up in one floor of the flat. Sure, Dan was a homebody, but everyone needed fresh air sometimes. The only time they had left the house was to go to Dan’s therapy sessions, or when they spent that one day flat hunting. 

Phil wasn’t going to be the one to mention them spending some time just walking around London. He knew Dan had been uncomfortable the day they went looking at flats. Without Dan ever having to say it, Phil knew he wasn’t exactly ready for fan encounters. It was one thing to post his video online and be in control of what was said, and what was or wasn’t responded to, but it would be a whole other ordeal to be confronted face to face.

While Phil knew the majority of fans would never say or do anything to make them uncomfortable- at least not on purpose- accidents do happen, and there were a few fans who were willing to ask questions that neither of them may be ready to answer.

Dan’s unwillingness to leave the house put Phil in the same predicament. If Dan wasn’t able to leave the flat, Phil wasn’t going to either.

Unfortunately, this made him have him ups and downs as well.

 

Phil was in the kitchen, fixing himself a bowl of cereal, humming the lyrics to  _ (You Drive Me) Crazy _ , when Dan rolled in to fix himself some lunch.

“You’ve been humming that all morning,” Dan noted as he opened the fridge. 

“Humming what?”

Dan set the bread on the counter with a little too much force. “That Britney Spears song, Phil. All day long, since we woke up. Coincidentally, you are _actually_ driving me crazy.”

“Oh,” Phil replied, glaring at the back of Dan’s head as he put the milk in the fridge. “Well, I’m  _ sorry _ about that. I’ll try to change up the songs I hum for you.”

“Or you could just not hum at all,” Dan mumbled, gathering the rest of the items he needed to make a sandwich.

Phil rolled his eyes, but decided not to respond. He picked up his bowl and headed into the living room.

 

They were ten minutes into a new Anime series when Phil couldn’t take it anymore.

“Why are you staring at me?” He asked. He had felt Dan’s eyes on him for at least eight of the past ten minutes.

“Have you always chewed your cereal like that?”

“Have I always chewed my cereal with my teeth before swallowing it?” Phil replied, very annoyed by this point.

“No, like-” Dan began making a dramatic chewing motion with his mouth.

“I wasn’t chewing like that, Dan. I was chewing the same way I have always chewed.”

“It’s really loud,” Dan noted.

“You’ve never complained about my chewing before.”

“It was never loud before. It’s loud now.”

“It’s the same.”

Dan nodded. “So you keep saying.”

Phil sighed. “Why don’t I go eat in the bedroom and you can sit out here?” He said, getting up and heading out of the room. “That way you won’t have to hear me chewing and I won’t have to hear  _ you _ .”

“ _ Someone’s _ grumpy,” Phil heard Dan mumble. 

He could have screamed. He could have thrown his cereal bowl across the room, or on top of Dan’s head, without another thought. 

But, he didn’t. He sat in their bedroom and ate the rest of his cereal in silence, already counting down the hours until bedtime.

 

“Did you move the coffee table?” Phil asked. It was nearing four o’clock, and this was the first he had spoken to Dan since the cereal incident.

“Did I move the coffee table?” Dan repeated, looking at Phil like he was insane. 

“That’s what I asked.”

“Why would I ever move the coffee table?”

“I don’t know why,  _ Dan _ , I just want to know if you did.”

“No,  _ Phil,  _ I did not move the coffee table. I have no reason to move the damn coffee table.”

“Well, I used to be able to rest my feet on it and now I can’t.”

Dan sighed. “Maybe you shrunk? You are getting older.”

“I’m thirty, Dan, not eighty-seven. I know the table has moved.”

“Then we must have rats again! Or  _ maybe _ someone came into the house to rob us, but decided they didn’t like the placement of the table and moved it a few inches to the right.”

Phil glared at Dan. “You don’t have to be so sarcastic all the time.”

“And you don’t have to be a little bitch all the time, but here we are!”

Phil felt the rage inside him building up faster than it ever had before. He had just opened his mouth to yell something back at Dan- although  _ what _ he wasn’t exactly sure- when his phone rang.

He pulled it from his back pocket and forcefully accepted the call. “Hello,” he answered, knowing he didn’t exactly sound friendly.

Dan waited, arms crossed, as Phil continued with the phone call. He made sure to make a note of how many times Phil said “Okay” and “Uh-huh” because he could definitely use that in the continuation of the argument.

Phil hung up the phone a minute later and Dan took a deep breath, preparing himself for the rest of their argument.

“Get dressed. Joe will be here soon,” Phil said, moving past Dan and heading to their bedroom.

A confused Dan followed behind. “What do you mean, Phil? We’re in the middle of an argument. What’s he going to do? Referee?”

No, Dan, he’s going to take us to view a house. He said it was listed yesterday and he thinks it’s perfect for us.”

Dan waited at the doorway while Phil picked out some clothes to wear. 

“Phil, I don’t think this is a good time. Maybe we should wait.”

Phil dropped his clothes onto the bed and stared at Dan. “I think this is the perfect time, Dan. Because if we spend another full day in this house, we may just murder each other. I’m not sure who would do it to who, but it’s gonna happen. We need to see other people.”

Dan’s eyes got wide.

“Not like that!” Phil corrected quickly. “I mean, we haven’t seen other humans in a while and I think it’s getting to us. Joe’s just going to drive us to this house, we’ll see it, and he’ll drive us back. It’ll be good for us both.”

Dan fidgeted with his jeans for a moment before looking at Phil. “Okay,” He agreed. “I think you’re right. We are fighting about a lot of stupid stuff.”

“Yes we are.”

“I really didn’t move the coffee table,” Dan said. 

Phil smiled and walked over to him, leaning down to give him a kiss. “I believe you,” he replied as he stood back up. “And I really didn’t chew my cereal any differently.”

Dan chewed at his bottom lip for a moment. “ _ Well _ -”

Phil threw his head back and groaned. “Dan!”

 

The house Joe took them to was perfect. They had heard the saying to not ever buy the first house you look at, but they had already gone flat hunting so they counted that as some of the homes.

It was two story, but there were no stairs in the house. In place of stairs was a ramp. It was something neither of them had seen before. The house had been built for a woman who was confined to a wheelchair herself, so everything was adjusted to her needs. The cabinets were lower, the toilet seats were higher, the rooms and doorways were more spacious, the shower had a built in chair, and bars were already put in the bathroom walls.

The house was about forty-five minutes outside of London, in an adorable town with a park right down the street. 

The best part was that there was a balcony on the second floor. They’d be able to go out and watch the sunset every night again. And this time the view wouldn’t be blocked by any large buildings. 

Everything started falling back into place. Both Dan and Phil felt like they could breathe again, knowing they wouldn’t be confined to their flat much longer. It would be a month before they could move into the house, but they could handle that. There was an end in sight now.

They went to bed that night happy, all of their pointless arguments forgotten.

 

Phil ordered a bunch of boxes online the next day. They arrived two days later, and both Dan and Phil spent the entire day packing away the things they knew they wouldn’t need for the next month.

This involved Dan having to go to the second floor, but Phil quickly realized it took much less time for him to make it up the stairs than it did before.

He was at the top step within ten minutes, and he never needed any help.

It was a good day for both of them. They laughed over memories of objects as they threw them into boxes, and joked about how they should just become professional movers after this.

 

Two more weeks passed by, and Dan’s therapy sessions were going better than ever.

He still needed a massage afterward, which they found they both really enjoyed, but his recovery time was a lot shorter. He was gaining muscle in his arms as well, which he didn’t seem to notice, but Phil did.

Dan was no longer grumpy after therapy sessions, and seemed to actually enjoy them. He liked learning to do new things in his chair, and finding that he wasn’t really confined at all by having to use it.

Yes, some things were more difficult, and they always would be, but it wasn’t all bad.

 

“I think we should do a gaming video,” Dan suggested one night as they were watching TV.

Phil paused the show and turned to him. “What?”

“I think we should do a gaming video,” Dan repeated. “It’s been a long time. I’m sure the fans miss it… I miss it.”

Phil nodded, trying to contain his excitement. “Okay.”

“Plus, you  _ still  _ haven’t done a video for your channel, so I’m sure everyone is missing their dose of Philly,” Dan added with a smile.

Phil smiled back at him. “I’m waiting to do the moving video, I told you! I think that’s a good one to come back with.”

“I know, I know. It’s just I’m a fan of yours, Phil, and I miss your uplifting content.”

“You get to see my uplifting content in person!” Phil replied with a laugh.

“It’s not the same as getting the ding on my phone!”

Phil patted Dan’s leg. “You’ll get the ding soon, I promise.” He began to laugh, “I’ll ding you like I’ve never dinged you before,” he said through his laughter. 

“Phil! You’ve ruined another good moment with weird jokes!” Dan whined, but he was laughing too. 

They were both so happy; they would’ve been fine if this moment lasted forever.

 

It was another week before they were able to sit down and film a gaming video. Almost their entire house was packed now. The only room left untouched was the gaming room, which they were waiting on until they could film.

Dan chose to stay in his wheelchair instead of moving to an office chair. He wanted people to get used to him this way now. If they only ever saw him in regular chairs, it would be much more surprising for them when they saw his wheelchair.

“Ready to start?” Phil asked, about to press the record button.

“Yeah,” Dan replied. He was nervous, possibly more nervous than he had been when he filmed his own video, but he was excited too. He was ready to take this next step.

“Alright.” Phil pressed the button and they both put on their camera-ready smiles. “Hello, Dino-men!” Phil began.

Dan looked over at him and laughed. “Dino-men?! What’s that?”

“Cause we’re doing a dinosaur version of Slenderman!”

“Oh, okay. Well, hello everybody!” Dan said, turning back to the camera. “Welcome to Dan and Phil Games. It’s been a while, but we’re finally back filling up your computer screens with the quality content you crave.”

“Yes! I’m very excited to be back,” Phil said, smiling widely. “I feel like everything should be different, but it feels very similar and I’ve-”

“You’re very energetic!” Dan interrupted.

“Yes! I am!” Phil laughed. “I’m really excited! I’m a bit nervous too, because it’s a Slenderman game and they freak me out, but I’m ready!”

“Let’s start, then,” Dan suggested as he pulled up the game.

“Okay.” They were both quiet for a moment as Dan got the game loaded. It was something that would be edited out later, knowing that they needed to keep things tight and moving along in their videos.

“Oh, wait!” Phil said, eyes widening as he clapped his hands together.

“Jesus, Phil! You scared the shit out of me!” Dan yelled.

Phil laughed. “Sorry! But, there is one thing that is different!”

“What’s that?” Dan said, looking over at Phil.

Phil leaned over and began pulling up Dan’s longsleeve shirt. 

“Am I consenting to this, Phil?” Dan said, looking at Phil curiously.

“Look at that!” Phil exclaimed, poking at Dan’s bicep. “He’s like a sexy kangaroo now!”

“A- A sexy kangaroo?! What the fuck?!” Dan exclaimed, his voice becoming high-pitched.

“Yeah!” Phil said, smiling. “You know how some kangaroos are really muscular? You’re getting muscular arms!”

Dan just stared at him for a moment. “Do you want me to edit that out?” He asked.

Phil shrugged. “Doesn’t matter. They’ll know soon enough anyway once I do the moving video. This can make that a little less scary.”

“Something for them to gif, I suppose,” Dan joked, turning his attention back to the game.

 

They started the game with Dan controlling the mouse. They wandered around a forest, trying to find dinosaur fossils before Dino-man found them. 

The game made no sense. They spent most of the time laughing at the hilarity of it all, or running away from the Dino-man as Dan screamed loudly next to Phil’s ear.

 

They had played through it twice, and were on their final try with Phil at the mouse. They had gotten further than before, on the seventh out of eight fossils when, suddenly, Dino-man jumpscared them, an evil face and a bright flash appearing on the screen.

Dan, who had his face fairly close to the screen, pushed himself back from the desk with a scream. His wheelchair did not gracefully wheel him backward, but instead made him fall straight back onto the floor.

Phil jumped, looking over quickly. “Oh my God!” He exclaimed, not sure what to do.

Dan had his arm covering his face, and appeared to be shaking somewhat. Phil wasn’t sure if he should rush to Dan’s side, shut off the camera, or just wait.

“Are you alright?” He asked tentatively.

Dan slowly moved his arm so it wasn’t over his face, a loud howling laugh coming from him as he did so.

This caused Phil to immediately relax and he began to laugh himself. “How did that happen?” Phil asked. “Shouldn’t the chair move with you?”

Dan, still laughing, shook his head. “I don’t know! I must’ve locked the wheels without thinking!”

“Oh my God. Are you alright?”

“Yes, you spoon! Help me up though!” He said, smiling widely at Phil.

Phil got up and lifted the chair, helping Dan sit back up. “Oh, fuck me!” Dan said, still laughing.

“Well, I think that’s a good place to end it?” Phil replied, wiping his eyes. Dan’s laughter had made him laugh so hard he began to cry.

“Yeah, you know it- it’s good to know some things never change, right? I mean, the chair might be a little different, but Dan will still find a way to fall over in it.”

Phil nodded, smiling widely. “Yes. Well,” He said, turning his attention away from Dan and back to the camera. “Thank you guys for watching! Remember to click the thumbs up button and, if you haven’t already, subscribe to us!”   
“Yes, we can’t guarantee to be professional, but you’ll enjoy laughing at us while we try!”

“Do we really even try though?” Phil asked.

Dan shook his head. “No.”

“Alright. Bye guys!”

Dan waved as Phil put his hands up to the camera. “Bye!”

 

Two days later, Dan posted the video to their gaming channel. They waited about ten minutes before checking any of the comments, but when they did, they couldn’t stop laughing.

People were mainly commenting SEXY KANGAROO over and over throughout the YouTube comments section. Twitter was impossible to keep up with, and tumblr was exactly what they expected. Gif after gif of the “sexy kangaroo” moment. It was almost as if they hadn’t even seen Dan fall over in his chair.

Most people considered it their “coming out” video, while some remained reserved and said it could’ve just been a funny comment Phil made as a joke.

Whatever way people took the comment, neither Dan nor Phil could deny that it was entertaining.

The most entertaining part was the fact that they weren’t replying to twitter asks either. While they usually would after posting a video, they just didn’t feel like answering questions this time. It wasn’t about driving the fans crazy, but more about waiting until Phil’s video was posted.

That would be the final piece to the puzzle of their lives. 

They couldn’t wait.

 

It was their last day in the flat. Almost everything had been removed from their house, besides any essentials that couldn’t be taken until last minute.

Dan and Phil were sitting up in bed, both on their laptops. Usually, they’d be on the couch, but the couch was gone.

Dan’s phone buzzed on the bed where it lied between him and Phil. He picked it up and saw it was a text from Phil.

“What are you doing?” He asked as he opened the message. “‘You’re about to get the biggest ding of your life.’ Phil! You’re literally sitting right beside me.”

Phil just looked over at him and smiled, then dramatically pressed his finger onto his touchpad.

Dan’s phone dinged with the notification of Phil’s new post. He just stared at Phil for a moment, not wanting to give in and click on the notification right away.

He lasted ten seconds.

Groaning, he looked down at his phone. Phil laughed beside him, but scooted closer.

Taking a deep breath, Dan clicked on the notification and was redirected to YouTube, where he was greeted with a brand new video from Phil titled **WE’RE MOVING (AGAIN)!**

He enlarged the screen and pressed play, excited to see what all of their fans were about to watch.

  
_ “Hi guys…” _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for your kind words! They're so encouraging! If you'd like, you can follow me on tumblr at softgolftechniques. It's a sideblog, but it's basically all Dan and Phil, so you might just like it!  
> Oh! And don't worry, the full moving out video will be written! I'm not that evil!


	9. Chapter 9

_ “Hi, guys!” Phil began, waving at the camera. He and Dan were seated on their bed, with Dan’s wheelchair just to the right of them. “As you can see, I’m here with Daniel today,” He added with a smile. _

_ “Oh, we’re still doing that? Okay,” Dan said, briefly smiling at Phil, then turning back to the camera. “Hello everyone!” _

_ “So, as you’ve probably already seen, if you read the title of the video, we’re moving again!” _

_ “Yay,” Dan said, although his voice showed he was less than enthusiastic. _

_ “Hey! This is a good thing, remember?” _

_ “I know, I know, it’s just there are so many boxes. I feel like I’m living in a box!” _

_ “Well, you won’t feel that way for much longer,” Phil reminded him with a pat on the back. _

_ “That’s true. Now, let’s tell them why we’re moving, Philly.” _

_ “Oh, right!” Phil replied, clapping his hands together. The camera zoomed in on Dan at that moment, who’s eyes widened as he jumped at the noise. _

_ The camera then zoomed back out as Phil continued. “We’re moving because this place is not exactly wheelchair friendly-” _

_ “It’s a fucking nightmare,” Dan interrupted. Although his curse words were censored for this video, Phil was sure they could still sense the annoyance. _

_ “Yeah, it really is. We can’t use the second or third floor very much, and we live every day in fear of the elevators breaking-” _

_ “Or a fucking fire!” _

_ “Or a fire. We can’t do it anymore! So, we’re moving!” _

_ “Yeah. I do have to say, thankfully, our landlord has been pretty great about the whole thing, so shoutout to him. I’m sure he watches all of our videos.” _

_ Phil nodded. “Oh, yeah. Seriously though, whoever get’s this apartment next, you’ll have a good landlord.” _

_ “Yeah, if you too get hit by a car and become paralyzed, he’ll let you move!” _

_ There was a sound of kids clapping and yelling “Yay!” added at that moment, then a cut in the video. _

_ “So, we’re not just moving to a different flat, guys,” Phil said, staring into the camera. “We’re moving-” _

_ “To a house!” They both said together. _

_ “We’re actually homeowners, guys, isn’t that terrifying?” Dan said, giving a manic face to the camera. _

_ “We’re going to have a mortgage and everything!” Phil said, looking at Dan with wide eyes. _

_ “Too much responsibility!” Dan yelled with a laugh. _

_ Phil laughed and looked back at the camera. “So, we’re going to own an amazing house outside of London and we’re very excited. It’s a beautiful, two story place.” _

_ “Yup, and the home was built for a disabled woman so it fits our needs perfectly.” _

_ “Yeah, our next room is going to be double the size of this one,” Phil said, motioning around the room. Neither of them made a big deal out of the fact Phil said “our room” instead of “my” or “his.” They couldn’t hide it anymore, and they were both oddly comfortable with that fact now. _

_ Dan nodded. “Yeah, this is the old gaming room, if you guys couldn’t tell. We moved the bedroom here once I got hurt cause I can’t get upstairs anymore.” _

_ “Yeah. And there’s a park close by, and we won’t have to hear crazy city noises anymore.” _

_ “And there’s still a taxi service,” Dan added with a smile. _

_ “Yes! That’s a plus. They have a pretty good taxi service, plus we can use Uber and stuff. We still don’t have to drive!” _

_ “We know you guys were just getting used to this place,” Dan said after another cut in the video. “But, you’ll have plenty of time to get used to the next place now. Cause our leases won’t end. We’ll have it forever. Until we die. Everyday, back to the same place,” Dan started looking off into space. “Our lives becoming a routine until we don’t know what we’re doing anymore and suddenly we’re eighty years old and-” _

_ He’s cut off by Phil patting his shoulder. “Alright, Dan,” He said with a laugh. “There’s also a lot of good things about it! We can get a dog, we won’t be wasting money, and it doesn’t sound like having a place to live for the rest of our lives is really a bad thing.” _

_ Dan looked over at Phil with a wide smile, “No, I guess not.” _

_ There’s another cut and now they’re both looking at the camera. “Okay, guys, so we’re going to finish moving and setting up all our new filming spaces and then we’ll be back with regular updates!” Phil said. _

_ “Well, he’ll be back with regular updates. I’ll be back with whenever-I-feel-like-it updates.” _

_ “Right,” Phil laughed. “Remember to thumbs up this video, subscribe to me and Dan if you haven’t, you can check out our last gaming video here,” He said, pointing to the middle of the screen. “This kangaroo falls out of his chair again so that’s really funny.” _

_ “Oh, yes, let’s relive that moment forever!” _

_ “See you guys later! Bye!” _

_ “Bye!” _

 

From their new, barely unpacked house, Dan and Phil sat on the sofa to read over some comments from the video.

They had gone to bed the night before without looking at anything, just wanting to have those last moments to themselves before they moved and their house changed along with their world.

“What do you think people will be saying?” Phil asked.

“Oh, probably some nice things, some mean things, some incredibly inappropriate things.”

“Sounds about right.”

Dan looked at tumblr while Phil looked at Twitter, and they went back and forth showing each other some of the nicer reactions.

“I think I’m going to respond to someone,” Dan said, switching to his Twitter app.

“What are you going to say?” Phil asked.

“I don’t know yet. I have to find someone to answer first.”

He searched for a bit before finding a tweet from one fan that said, ‘ _ OUR bedroom. OUR?! What do YOU MEAN?!?!’ _

Dan laughed, then clicked to reply to the tweet.  _ ‘did we say that? must’ve been an error’ _

He sent the tweet as he let out an evil laugh.

“What? What did you do?” Phil asked, going to Dan’s Twitter and seeing what he had written. “Dan! You’re going to kill them!” He exclaimed, although he was laughing himself.

He clicked to reply to Dan’s tweet.  _ ‘Dan, you’re going to send them to the hospital. Stop messing with their minds.’ _

 

After a ridiculously long day, unpacking box after box, they headed upstairs to the balcony to watch the sunset.

“It really is pretty here,” Phil said, staring out at the sky.

“Yeah. The lack of noise is appreciated.”

“Do you think it’ll be weird to sleep without sirens interrupting our dreams throughout the night?”

“I might have to play sounds of cars screeching just to fall asleep,” Dan joked.

Phil looked over at Dan, reaching out his hand for Dan to take. “Do you like it here?” He asked, a little bit nervous.

Dan took Phil’s hand, giving him a confused expression. “Yeah, I do. Why’d you ask?”

Phil shrugged. “I know it wasn’t exactly planned. We were going to live in London a couple more years. This house isn’t everything we used to talk about wanting either. It’s not fenced in, it’s four bedroom instead of five, it-”

“Phil,” Dan interrupted, squeezing his hand. “None of this was planned, but it’s where we are. I  _ love _ this house. It’s everything we need  _ now _ . If I didn’t like it, I wouldn’t have agreed to buy it. We can fence in the yard and four bedrooms is plenty.”

Phil nodded, taking a deep breath. “Okay.”

“Do _you_ like it here?” Dan asked, now a little concerned himself. Phil was right when he said it wasn’t everything they always planned it would be. And it wasn’t that way because of Dan. He wished he would have thought about this before.

“Hey, I can tell when you’re freaking out inside,” Phil said, rubbing his thumb over Dan’s hand. “I really, really love this house, and this town. I promise.”

Dan relaxed again. “Okay, good. Now, let’s watch the fucking sunset.”

Phil laughed, “Alright,” He replied, giving Dan’s hand a squeeze as he stared back out at the sky.

 

The fifth time Phil sneezed in ten minutes time, Dan knew something was wrong. They had been in their new house for two days and were still busy unpacking, but Phil was moving even slower than usual.

“What’s the matter, Phil?” Dan asked, rolling up behind him in the kitchen.

Phil put another glass into the cabinet. “Nothing,” He said, shaking his head. “Just dust, prob-” He was cut off by another sneeze. “Probably.”

“Is the dust also making your nose red and stuffy, your eyes watery, and your face even paler than usual? I’m pretty sure I can see through you right now.”

Phil slumped over slightly, letting his exhaustion overtake him. “I think I’m sick,” he admitted.

“And whatever gave you that idea?”

Phil groaned. “I don’t want to be sick.”

“I don’t think anyone ever wants to be sick, Philly. Why don’t you go lay down? I’ll bring you some tea.”

I don’t wan-”

“I know you don’t want tea,” Dan interrupted. “But it’ll help. Go on now, shoo!” Dan said, waving him off. “Let Daddy Danny take care of you.”

Phil scrunched up his nose. “Now I think I’m definitely sick,” he said, putting a hand over his stomach.

Dan laughed. “Get out, you idiot! Go lay down. I don’t want your germs all over everything.”

Phil sighed. “Okay, fine. Let me know if you need help finding anything.”

“Yeah, yeah.”

 

For the next twenty minutes, Dan found himself going back and forth from room to room trying to find everything he needed to make a proper cup of tea. 

For some reason, half of their food and drink boxes were upstairs in one of the extra bedrooms, their kettle was in the guest bathroom, and their mugs were in the living room.

By the time Dan was actually fixing the tea, he was slightly irritated. 

It didn’t help that when he went to pour the water into the cup, a little bit splashed out and burned his hand. “Oh fuck a duck! Shit!” He yelled, shaking his hand. It wasn’t much of a burn, just a little red near his thumb, but it hurt enough to make him feel like throwing the cup against the wall.

He didn’t though. Instead, he closed his eyes and took a deep breath, forcing himself to calm down before he continued.

 

When the tea was finally ready, he placed the cup between his legs and got ready to head upstairs. “I swear to God,” he said, looking down at the cup, “If you spill on my crotch this will be your last day on Earth. I will fuck you up.”

Thankfully, he made it up the ramp and rolled into his and Phil’s room.

Phil was lying on the bed with his eyes closed, gently rubbing his own head.

“Headache now?” Dan asked, making sure to keep his voice quiet.

Phil nodded as Dan set his drink down on the nightstand.

“I know we have some flu medication here somewhere. I’ll go look.”

“It’s in one of the gaming boxes.”

Even though Phil still had his eyes closed, Dan stared at him with a confused expression. “Why in the hell is our medication in with our gaming things?”

Phil cracked his eyes open slightly. “Cause we’re terrible packers?”

“Correction,” Dan said, wiggling his finger at Phil. “ _ You  _ are a terrible packer.”

Phil closed his eyes again. “I’d argue but I don’t feel like it,” He groaned.

“Aw,” Dan said, moving himself closer so he could run his fingers through Phil’s hair. “You _must_ feel terrible if you won’t argue with me. I’ll go find the medicine, okay? Drink your tea.”

“Yes, Mum,” Phil replied, a small smile on his face.

“You won’t be smiling when I put on my muumuu, Philip Lester,” Dan replied as he turned and left the room.

 

Phil was sick for two days. He never threw up, thankfully, but he had a pretty bad fever, a stopped up nose, sore throat, cough, and sneeze. 

He was miserable.

Dan felt miserable for him.

But, he also felt good. Like, really, really good. He was so proud of himself. For two days, he was the one taking care of Phil. He was the one figuring out what needed to be done. He was the one cooking and cleaning things up. He was the one making sure everything was okay. 

Phil had been taking care of almost everything since Dan got hurt. He never treated Dan like he couldn’t do it himself, he just always did it. Dan let him too. It never really crossed either of their minds that Phil had taken on a lot of extra day-to-day responsibilities.

But, now Dan was doing it. It made him feel good about himself. It gave him confidence that he had been lacking since the accident.

 

Dan was sitting on the couch, leaned back in his browsing position and scrolling through emails, when he heard Phil emerge from their room.

A couple of minutes later, Phil was downstairs and joining Dan on the couch.

“Hey,” Dan greeted as Phil scooted close beside him, lying his head on Dan’s shoulder. “How are you feeling?”

“Better. I was able to actually walk down here.”

“That’s a good sign,” Dan replied, closing his laptop and setting it down beside him.

“I took another pill, but I think it’ll be the last one I have to take.”

Dan rested his arm on Phil’s leg and squeezed it reassuringly. “Good. I’m glad you’re getting better.”

Phil lifted his head up, a small smile on his face. “You seem happy,” he said, staring at Dan.

Dan laughed. “How do I seem happy?”

“I just hear it in your voice. Like, a different happy.”

Dan shrugged. “I’ve enjoyed taking care of you.”

“I guess I’ll have to get sick more often,” Phil joked.

“Oh, please do,” Dan replied. “I  _ love _ waking up at four in the morning and having to change out the sheets cause you’ve sweated so much.”

Phil grimaced. “That was gross, wasn’t it?”

“It was like waking up in a bathtub, fully clothed.”

Phil shivered at the memory. He wiggled even closer to Dan, then returned his head to Dan’s shoulder.

“I enjoyed you taking care of me,” Phil said quietly, the medication already making him drowsy.

“Of course you did,” Dan replied with a smile. “You’re a needy little bitch.”

Phil’s head became even heavier on Dan’s shoulder, and Dan knew he’d be asleep within a couple of minutes.

“You’re so sweet to me,” Phil mumbled.

Dan turned and kissed the top of Phil’s head, then picked his laptop back up so he’d have something to do while Phil slept.

 

Phil began to wake up almost an hour later. He slowly lifted his head, holding onto his neck as he did. He stretched out his legs, which had been curled up beside him as he slept, and tried to relax all of his sore muscles.

“I tried to move you,” Dan said, causing Phil to look over at him. It was almost as though he had forgotten Dan was even there. “Everytime I tried you’d make a growly sound at me so I stopped.”

“I do not growl in my sleep!”

Dan nodded. “But, you do. I videoed it with my phone. Thinking about putting it on my side channel.”

“You’re the worst person in the world,” Phil said with a yawn. 

“So I’ve been told. How are you feeling?”

“A lot better,” Phil replied, settling back into the couch. 

“Good, cause I need to talk to you.”

Phil turned toward Dan, looking slightly worried. “What’s wrong?”

“Why would you assume something’s wrong?”

“Cause you sound like something’s wrong.”

Dan sighed. “Nothing’s wrong. At least, I don’t think. I was just going through our emails, and we got one from our manager about some convention in the states next month.”

Phil looked away from Dan and down at his pyjamas.

“And she said in the email that she’d talked to you about it. And that you’d get back with her. Apparently, you didn’t do that.”

He looked at Dan guiltily, “I didn’t… I didn’t want you to feel pressured or anything.”

“Feel pressured to what?”

“To go, if you don’t want to. Cause when you talked about making a video you said you’d do it so I could start making videos again. I didn’t want you to do this cause you think you have to for me.”

“Phil, you worry about me way too much. While, I admit, it’s adorable, it’s also kinda fucking annoying.”

Phil sighed. “I’m sorry.”

“You don’t need to be sorry. If I didn’t want to do it I’d say so.”

“Does that mean you  _ do _ want to do it?”

“Another month will give us a chance to upload a few more gaming videos, a couple for your channel, and maybe one for mine. People will be more used to that-” He motioned toward his chair, “by then and they’ll be more used to us too. So, yeah, I think I’d like to go.”

Phil smiled, excited so see Dan so confident. He really would be willing to get sick again if it ended with such positive results. “Okay then. Let’s go.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I feel like a broken record, but I really do appreciate every comment I receive. Thank you guys!  
> tumblr: softgolftechniques
> 
> I think we've got one chapter left of this story, guys, but I've got some ideas for new stories that I'm very excited about. I'm also thinking about doing oneshots within this universe every now and again.


	10. Chapter 10

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Final chapter!   
> Enjoy!

Dan and Phil got to the airport a half hour earlier than they usually would. They had never had to go through security with a wheelchair before, so they knew they better take some precautions.

By the time they were boarding the plane, Dan was thoroughly annoyed. Going through security was far more difficult than he even expected.

The security agent Dan dealt with was new, and took every single precaution. By the end, Dan felt like he might as well have been a terrorist by the pat down both he and the chair received.

Phil hoped the plane ride would help them both relax, but it turned out to be anything but relaxing.

Halfway through the nine hour flight, Dan had to pee. Seeing as this was the first time he had ever had to pee on a plane while paralyzed, he didn’t exactly know everything it involved.

First, a flight attendant had to bring him a special chair. It was exactly like a wheelchair, but it was skinnier so it could fit through the aisles. 

This caused a lot of stares from the people nearby. Dan didn’t really have any experience transferring himself in front of an audience, and he definitely didn’t want one now.

“Do you need me to go wi-”

“No,” Dan cut Phil off, looking down at the ground once the transfer was finished. 

The attendant rolled him to the restroom.

“If you need transferred from the chair, your friend will have to do it,” she said to him quietly. She was being kind, but Dan really wanted to ring her neck right now. “We’re not allowed.”

“I’ll be fine,” Dan replied.

 

A few minutes later, the attendant was walking over to Phil alone. 

Phil gave her a confused expression, and she gave a kind smile in return. “Your friend needs some assistance in the restroom,” she whispered to him. 

Phil nodded and stood up quickly, heading straight to Dan.

He opened the tiny bathroom door and there was Dan, still in his chair. There wasn’t any room for Phil to even walk inside, so he wasn’t sure what he was going to do.

“Hey,” he said, gently rubbing his hand over Dan’s shoulder.

Dan flinched away slightly, so Phil moved his hands to the handles on the wheelchair.

“What do you need help with?” Phil asked.

“What do you think?” Dan replied angrily.

“Dan, don’t get upset with me. You need my help, I’m here to help.”

Dan sighed. “This bathroom is fucking tiny and I don’t know how to get on the toilet without injuring myself.”

Phil thought for a moment. “Okay. Okay, you can hold yourself up, right?”

“Yeah, for a few seconds.”

“Alright. Well, hold on to the bar with your left hand, and the sink with your right.”

Dan leaned forward and did as he was told, then waited for further instructions.

“Okay, now push yourself up. I’m gonna move the chair back, so just hold on tight.”

Dan took a deep breath and pushed himself up, gripping the bar and sink as tightly as he could.

He wasn’t sure how Phil did it, but the wheelchair was gone and Phil was holding onto him from behind within a couple of seconds. 

“Put your right arm on the bar and you’ll be able to turn right onto the toilet.”

Phil held onto Dan until Dan was seated on the toilet.

“Do you need help wi-”

“I can get my own pants down, Phil, thank you,” he interrupted, sounding more embarrassed than angry.

Phil knew Dan wasn’t embarrassed by him helping; he had helped with plenty of things by now. Dan was embarrassed because they weren’t alone. 

By the time Dan made it back to his seat, he was so irritated that he put on his earphones and closed his eyes for the rest of the flight. It was an escape for him. A way to forget the fact that he was surrounded by people who wanted to stare at him. A way to forget that they were probably all wondering what happened to him and why he was paralyzed.

 

When they got to the hotel, they were quickly informed that they are on the fifth floor.

“I’m sorry,” Phil said, “When I called I asked for a room on the first floor.”

The receptionist nodded. “Yes, we do have that on here. However, we can’t guarantee that and the only handicap room still available is on the fifth floor.”

Phil took a deep breath. “There’s nothing on any of the lower floors? What about non-handicap rooms? We’d be able to manage.”

“I’m sorry, Sir. We’re completely booked up. That’s the only room we have that would accommodate your needs.”

Dan had been looking around nervously as Phil talked to the receptionist. At this point, he just wanted to get to the room. There was a very high chance that other YouTubers, and fans, were staying at this hotel and he just couldn’t handle seeing them right now.

“Phil, the room is fine. Let’s go.”

Phil glanced down at him, then back at the receptionist. “Alright, that’s fine. Thank you!”

“I’m sorry for the inconvenience.”

“No, it’s really fine.”

 

“The room is nice,” Phil said as he set their suitcase down. He opened it up and got out a change of clothes for himself. He didn’t want to stay in his travel clothes the rest of the day.

Dan didn’t respond. He simply rolled to the bed and transferred himself onto it.

“Are you hungry?” Phil asked. “We can order room service.”

“Not really,” Dan replied. He got his phone out of his pocket and unravelled the earphones around it, then put them in his ears. He laid back on the bed, closing his eyes.

About thirty seconds later, he jerked his eyes open when Phil pulled the earphones out of his ears.

“What the fuck, Phil?!” Dan exclaimed, scooting himself back so he was sitting up.

“What’s the matter with you, Dan? Something’s bothering you and you’re ignoring me because of it.”

“I don’t know,  _ maybe _ I want to rest for a bit after a nine hour flight.”

“Oh, that’s it? Cause I’ve been on many nine hour flights with you and you never act like this. You’ve been short with me all day and you’re acting like I’ve done something wrong.”

Dan laughed humorlessly. “Why do you act like such a baby every time I’m not talkative? God, you’re so irritating sometimes.”

“Oh,  _ I’m _ irritating? I’m sorry I care about you, Dan. At least I don’t go into silent mode every time something is wrong!”

“Did you forget the entire first month after I was injured, Phil? I think that would be silent mode- extreme level!”

“Yeah, and I’ve worked on that since then to make sure I don’t ever do it again. Something I’ve apparently been working on alone!”

“For God’s sake, Phil! Why do you need to know every time something’s bothering me?”

“So we can work through it together! That’s what we do!”

“Fine!” Dan yelled, his face becoming red. “I hated everyone looking at me on the plane, and that’s exactly what they’re going to do tomorrow! I’m still terrified of being on a high floor in case the elevator breaks or there’s a fucking  _ fire _ , but here I am! I’m so nervous about the meet and greet tomorrow that I feel like throwing up! Does that make you feel better?!”

“Yes!” Phil exclaimed. He picked his clothes up off the bed and turned around, throwing them back into the suitcase. He lifted the suitcase onto the bed and began zipping it back up.

“What are you doing?” Dan asked.

“I’m packing our stuff back up so we can go home.”

“What?! Phil, don’t be ridiculous!”

“I’m not being ridiculous, Dan,” Phil replied. He wasn’t angry anymore, just sad that the whole situation was making Dan so upset. “I would never want you to do anything you’re uncomfortable with. You’re obviously uncomfortable. Let’s go back home and we can come to a convention some other time.”

Dan sighed. “Phil.”

Phil didn’t acknowledge him. He continued trying to zip up the suitcase, but the zipper wouldn’t work for him.

“Phil,” Dan said again.

Phil still didn’t respond. Dan transferred himself back to his chair and rolled over to Phil, stopping him by putting his hand over Phil’s. “Phil,” He said for a third time. This time, Phil looked up from the suitcase and over at Dan, and Dan could see tears in his eyes.

“Hey, what’s wrong? Only one of us is allowed a freak out at a time, remember?” Dan smiled, trying to lighten the mood. 

Phil moved the suitcase over and sat down on the bed. “I’m sorry,” He said, wiping at his eyes. “I didn’t like the people staring at you on the plane either. It made me really angry, and I wanted to yell at them to mind their own damn business. And I’m still afraid you’re doing this just for me. I’d never want you to do that. I don’t care if we live like hermits for the rest of our lives. I’ll be happy, I promise.”

Dan sighed, moving forward a bit and taking Phil’s hand again. “Yeah, but I won’t. And you really wouldn’t be either. Remember how we almost killed each other before we moved? We love doing this stuff. I love going to conventions and meeting fans. I told you before, I’m not doing this for you. I just… I just need to stop being such a dick.”

Phil laughed. “You’re not a dick.”

“Let’s be honest, Phil,” Dan replied, squeezing Phil’s hand, “I’m a bit of a dick.”

“Well, we both can be sometimes,” Phil agreed.

Dan nodded. “Okay. Now that we’ve both had our meltdowns and settled them, why don’t we get our showers and order room service?”

Phil gave Dan a smile. “Okay, but can I ask you one thing? It’ll be the last time, I promise!”

“Okay… What?”

“Are you sure you want to stay? We can leave first thing tomorrow if you’re not comfortable.”

Dan took a deep breath. “I think no matter when I decide to first step out in front of the audience, I’m not going to be comfortable. But, I’d rather do it now than wait.”

“So, we’re staying?”

Dan nodded. “We’re staying.”

 

“I’m sweating. I’m actually dripping in fucking sweat and we haven’t even stepped on stage,” Dan whispered as they waited backstage. They were going to be called onstage within ten minutes. 

They had spent most of the morning in their hotel room. Dan didn’t feel like having long conversations with YouTubers, so they waited until the last minute to exit their room.

Thankfully, all of the YouTubers they knew had been extremely respectful so far. They had come over, given hugs and greetings, did a little small talk, and left. 

It was all very simple, but every moment made Dan feel more on edge.

“Do you still want to go onstage?” Phil asked as a man came over to give them their microphones.

Dan just nodded in response, fearing he might vomit if he spoke.

“Ladies and gentlemen!” The announcer began. “The moment you have all been waiting for! Your YouTube power couple! The dynamic duo! I’m going to stop giving them random names and actually call them out here! Dan Howell and Phil Lester!”

The crowd started cheering so loud that Dan could no longer hear his heart thumping in his ears. Phil gave him a smile and a thumbs up, then turned and walked onto the stage. Dan followed closely behind, forcing a big smile as he rolled himself out.

“Hey, guys!” Phil said, waving to the crowd.

“Hello!” Dan joined in.

The crowd cheered even louder. Phil sat down in a comfy chair while Dan wheeled beside him. He had decided to just remain in his wheelchair for this event, not wanting to transfer himself to a chair in front of the crowd.

“Wow! You guys are so loud!” Phil said with a laugh.

“That’s insane!” Dan said, his smile becoming less forced and more real.

The crowd continued cheering until Phil began moving his arms up and down, signaling them to calm down.

“We’ll never be able to talk if you keep cheering!” He exclaimed.

“That’s alright,” Dan said, smiling over at Phil. “They can just cheer us on for an hour then we’ll go.”

The crowd started to cheer again, but Phil cut in. “No, no, no! We want to talk, remember?”

“Oh, yeah, cause we’re narcissistic motherfu-”

“Children, Dan! There are children here!”

“I was going to say fudgers! Motherfudgers.”

Phil rolled his eyes, “Sure you were.”

“Anyway! What are we doing today, Philly?” Dan asked. His nickname caused another quick round of cheers.

“Well, Danny,” Phil said back with a laugh. “I figure since we’re back onstage after being gone for quite a few months, we could just talk and answer some questions.”

“But, wherever will we get the questions from, Phil?” Dan asked, faking ignorance.

“Well,” Phil reached behind his chair and pulled out a slipper with a bunny head on it. “I found this at the store recently and I knew I had to get it.”

“Bunny slippers?! Phil, really?!”

“Yes! They’re adorable and they remind me of Dil.”

“Okay, alright, whatever. So, there are questions in the slipper?”

“Yes.” Phil looked out to the audience. “You guys were told to write down any questions you had, and we picked out some of them that we could answer-”

“Yeah, some of you guys were really graphic! Like, wow!”

Phil laughed. “Yeah, so we won’t be answering those. But, some of the tamer ones will be answered.”

Dan nodded. “Alright. Let’s start then, I guess.”

“Well, first, Daniel Howell,” Phil said, deepening his voice playfully. He paused while the crowd screamed, causing Dan to laugh. “I have a question for you.”

Although he knew what was going to be said, Dan looked around nervously. “Uh, okay. What?”

“Something’s a bit different. I’m not sure what it is though.”

“Oh, really?”

“Yeah. Would you know what that might be?”

“Hm.” Dan put his fingers to his chin, pretending to be thinking of what could possibly be different. “It’s my hair!” He decided. “I got a haircut recently, Phil. Thank you for noticing! So sweet.”

The crowd let out an assortment of cheers and awes at Dan’s words, but it quickly changed to laughter with Phil’s reply of, “No, that’s not it.”

“Oh. Um… My shirt! My shirt is new! And it’s white, not black!”

“Oh, yeah, that must be it!” Phil replied with a nod. “Nice shirt, Dan. Very not you.”

“Why thank you? I think.” Dan laughed, then looked away from Phil and back to the audience. “Okay, okay, we’ll stop messing with you guys. How do you all like my new accessory?” He asked, motioning to his chair.

People cheered and clapped to show their support.

“Wow! You guys are a lot more excited about it than I was,” Dan said, smiling. He felt comfortable now. Comfortable to be open and honest about his new life. Comfortable to make jokes about things that he would have cried over just a few months ago.

“Would you like to talk about the wheelchair in the room, Dan?” Phil asked.

“Why yes, Phil, I would. Uh, so, basically, I was going to get cereal from the store- this is just another reason to never go outside, guys- and on the way home, somebody hit me with their car. I don’t really remember much, but I did eventually remember that I had bought the cereal, and a Kinder Egg for Phil. So, somewhere lining the streets that night was my cinnamons and an egg with a toy in it.”

“Yeah, if anybody happened to find a Kinder Egg in London that night, let us know what was inside,” Phil said.

“Phil, we are literally thousands of miles away from London!”

“Somebody’s filming this! They’ll get the word out!”

Dan put his hand to his chest, looking over at Phil. “May I finish my story?”

Phil nodded. “You may.”

“Alright. Anyway, I woke up sometime later after surgery to find out that my legs didn’t work and possibly wouldn’t ever again. At that point they didn’t know for sure. And then all that information took us on a long journey that ends with us being here.”

“You cut a huge chunk out of that story,” Phil said, eyes wide.

“Phil, if I told the entire thing it would take hours. We don’t have that.”

“That’s true. I should say though, from my viewpoint, it was terrifying. I was in the A&E waiting room for hours while he was in surgery. I had no idea what I would be walking into. I see him for the first time, and he’s got loads of bruises and little cuts, and his arm had a sprain in it, and then I’m told he might be paralyzed. There were so many things running through my head that that whole night is kind of a blur. I say this, though, to say that I can’t imagine what it must be like to just wake up and not have any of the warnings that I  _ did _ have that these things might be a possibility.”

Dan nodded. “It was frickin’ terrifying. It was like waking up in a nightmare. Like, I think for a minute I thought I was actually dreaming and when I closed my eyes I’d be awake for real and none of this would be real.”

“It’s hard to think about now,” Phil said, his voice going softer. He reached out one of his arms, making a stop motion to the audience. “We’re going to have to change the subject,” he said, laughing as he blinked rapidly, “Or I’m going to get emotional and I’d rather not do that here.”

“Aw!” Dan said, smiling over at Phil. He reached over and patted his leg. “He’s such a big sap.”

Phil patted Dan’s hand with his own, just a couple of times. The crowd cheered again and they both laughed, then pulled away from each other. 

“Let’s move on!” Dan suggested. “Give me the shoe. I’m doing the first question.”

 

A few of the first questions were fairly basic. They asked about moments from the tour, or how to properly edit videos, or how to get noticed.

Then, there were some that weren’t so basic.

“Why did you hide your relationship for so long?” Dan read off one of the cards.

Some of the crowd cheered, while others gasped at the slightly invasive question.

“It’s alright, guys!” Phil said, laughing. “We’ve already seen all these questions, remember? We knew that was there.”

“Are you going to answer their question, Phil?” Dan asked cheekily.

“Yes, Dan, I am.” Phil cleared his throat and sat up a bit straighter. “Well, um, I didn’t really feel like we were hiding it? Not well, at least. I mean, I guess we were, but-”

“Wow, you’re really bad at this!” Dan interrupted. “Let me answer. Basically, we wanted a part of our world to be just ours. We share a lot of our lives with you guys, but this was something that could be ours. It’s something pretty much every YouTuber, or anyone in entertainment really, does. Not everyone hides their relationships, but they hide something that’s just for them to know. This was our thing. It’s also really awkward when YouTubers flaunt their relationships and then they don’t last. I can’t even think about it without getting secondhand embarrassment.”

“Yeah,” Phil said. “That was worded way better than what I could have done. The only reason we decided to share that part of our lives with you guys is that we were moving again and we were buying a house and knowing our… investigative fans-”

“Stalkers, Phil, you can call them stalkers,” Dan interrupted.

“Anyway, people would have found out we bought a home and then you would’ve guessed the rest.”

“Yeah, and we both have control issues, so we’d rather you find out our way that any other way.”

Phil nodded. “So, yeah, that’s that. Onto the next question!”

 

There were some more basic, or funny questions, and then another serious one.

“Dan, I am paralyzed myself and was wondering what your overall prognosis was,” Phil read. “The doctors say I will walk again some day!”

“Well, first of all, congrats to you!” Dan said, clapping for the person. “I don’t know what happened, but I’m glad you’ll be able to walk again someday! That’s seriously great. Unfortunately, this chair is with me for the rest of my life. The doctors thought I might be able to walk again some day, because for a while I was able to move one of my big toes, but that stopped one day. Nothing else changed, and it shouldn’t because it’s been months now, but yeah, I won’t be walking again. It’s not the worst thing in the world though. Sometimes it feels like it is, not gonna lie, but I still have a lot to be thankful for and I’m adjusting to my new life. Maybe it’s just another way I might be able to help someone out, which is okay by me.”

The crowd cheered and clapped, causing Dan to blush and smile.

“Plus!” Phil exclaimed, “Look at those arms!” He pushed up one of Dan’s sleeves with his hand, but Dan quickly batted it away. 

“No, no! They’re not going to see!”

“One day I’ll force him to reveal his muscles,” Phil half-joked. “They’re impressive. I think he’s going to become an arm model.”

“Oh, yes, that’s exactly what I want to do in life. I’m leaving you and everything I know behind to become an arm model.”

“Hey! You could still have me and be an arm model. I could be your assistant and rub them down… or something.” Phil cringed, realizing how dirty that sounded after the fact.

“Wow! Okay, I think we better stop right there.”

“Yeah, I’m sorry! I don’t know what just happened.”

Dan laughed. “Alright. Thank you guys for coming out! You’ve been amazing!”

Phil stood up and waved. “Yes, thank you! We had a great time!”

Dan put the microphone on his lap and began to wheel himself offstage, lifting one arm to wave at the audience as he went.

Phil followed behind him, turning off his microphone and giving one last wave before disappearing behind a door.

 

“Fucking hell! We did it!” Dan exclaimed, raising his arms up for Phil to give him a hug.

Phil bent down and hugged Dan, smiling widely. “Did you enjoy it?” He asked, although he already knew the answer. 

“Fuck yes! I think I’m ready for the meet and greet now! I’m fucking excited!”

Phil laughed, pulling back from the hug. “I’m glad. We have to be at the photo area in fifteen minutes, so we better get going.”

 

The meet and greet went well. No one asked rude or embarrassing questions, and the only people who brought up Dan’s chair were people who were disabled themselves, or knew someone who was. They only brought it up to let Dan know they were thankful for him and the way he was handling things. 

After that hour, Dan never felt better.

He also felt exhausted.

So did Phil.

There was a party that night for all the YouTubers, but neither of them wanted to go. They both decided to go back up to their room instead, have a quiet dinner, get showers, and relax in bed.

 

It was nearing one in the morning when they turned off the TV and closed their computers to go to sleep.

“Phil?” Dan said, feeling around for Phil’s hand until he found it and held onto it.

“Yeah?”

“I had a good day.”

“Me too.”

“I’m gonna be cheesy af here for a second, so bear with me.”

Phil laughed. “Alright.”

“Thank you. For everything. Not just these past few months, but… I was thinking, when we were on stage today, you’ve been there for me since I was eighteen. I just… I feel lucky.” Dan sighed, “I don’t know, I think I’m high from today. I don’t like vomiting this much cheese into the air at once.”

Phil squeezed Dan’s hand. “I like your cheese vomit.” 

They were both silent for a moment, then began to laugh.

“That was supposed to sound romantic!” Phil exclaimed.

“You failed, you baboon!”

Phil let go of Dan’s hand so he could turn on his side. He scooted over to get closer to Dan, wrapping an arm around him and using him, yet again, as a pillow.

“I love you,” He said softly, giving Dan a squeeze before fully relaxing.

Dan kissed the top of Phil’s head as he wrapped an arm around his back, “I love you too.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you guys so much! All of your comments have brightened so many of my not-so-bright days!  
> I think I'll keep this universe alive. I'll occasionally come back with one shots. If you guys have any requests for one shots in this world, let me know in the comments or at my tumblr (softgolftechniques).  
> I've started another fic as well! It's called What They Don't Know and it's going to be good (I hope)! Check it out if you'd like!  
> Thank you again!!


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